In Search Of A Midnight Kiss
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Fifteen days are left before Christmas and a thousand of secrets that Maura keeps for herself, starting with her feelings for Jane. Will she ever manage to tell her friend before the bells ring at midnight? And for the first time, find herself in her arms. JM fic.
1. On Tremont Street

**Chapter one:**

**On Tremont Street**

**December, 10th **

As the wind became stronger – blowing through her hair, sending icy chills down her spine – Maura huddled up in her coat and looked down at the shiny asphalt. The snow was glimmering like a million diamonds on the pavement, the low temperatures of the night frosting the transparent surface of an icy crust. For a few seconds, the scientist wondered what would happen to her muscles – her bones – if she suddenly slid and fell down. A broken ankle, a sprained wrist. All these usual injuries that filled the ER of the city by this time of the year. At least in her morgue, she avoided the screams; children crying.

Tremont Street was quiet at this late hour of the day. The stores were closing, people going back home in a last attempt to escape from the cold. Her steps slowed down, subconsciously enough. She was in advance, way too much to wait outside though. Her hazel eyes scanned the street in distress, stopping on the churchyard of King's Chapel.

John Winthrop – the first governor of Massachusetts – was buried there; his grave lost among old ones, some dating from the earliest years of the 17th century. She would have never said it to anyone but the honey blonde loved this place, enjoyed quiet walks through the alleys of the cemetery.

When life became too suffocating – too hard to follow – only the peaceful atmosphere of the dead had that calming effect on her; the relaxing shade of silence that spread over her soul – her mind – before rocking her peacefully and then she could go on again. Almost as if nothing had happened.

She was about to turn around again and stare aimlessly at the window stores when the soft murmurs of voices suddenly elevated in the street. It came from King's Chapel, the old Anglican church.

In the dark, its granite walls looked imposing; almost frightening. Yet the chants of the choir sounded inviting and before realizing what she was doing, Maura crossed the street. The smell of wax and old – damp – stones welcomed her as she stepped inside the chapel. Discreetly enough, she made her way to an adjacent bench and sat there – vaguely hidden by a pillar.

A dozen people were rehearsing Christmas carols in front of no audience but rows of empty seats and abandoned Bibles. Candles giving life to old paintings on the walls. Alone in such unknown world, the blonde focused on the choir.

"You should come back on Christmas Eve. We hold a concert at 9pm."

Jumping of surprise, Maura restrained a scream and turned her face towards the woman who had sit by her side on the bench. She hadn't seen her approach. In her sixties – curly silver hair framing rounded cheeks – she offered a peaceful smile to the medical examiner. Her cross caught Maura's eyes.

"I am uncertain to be available on that day but I will nonetheless keep it in mind. Thank you."

Unlike what many people assumed, the scientist hadn't been raised in a religious environment. She was not even christened. If she had been taught about the different cults, she hadn't been part of any nor had ever felt the urge to join one. Her only relation to churches and cathedrals was merely a touristic one, a surge of curiosity over these places that kept in their heart treasures of History.

"You can bring your beloved ones. I understand that you will probably celebrate the evening with them but a musical interlude – even if unusual to your existence – might be welcome. Isn't Christmas about sharing and loving?"

The last word ached, resounding loud in Maura's head. She might have been smiling, she nonetheless looked aside and bit her lower lip as if transparent – yet heavy – regrets were suddenly submerging her and she had no hold over them. The woman noticed the change on her face, her features deepening.

"Is everything alright?"

Feeling the weight of her interlocutor's gaze on her, the scientist stared down at her lap and swallowed hard. She couldn't lie, couldn't pretend anything in order to escape from the questioning and make the woman turn the page. Yet silence was loud. Too loud.

"Do you feel like talking? You are at the right place for it."

An ironic laugh escaped from Maura's lips. Unintentionally enough though. She rose a hand in the air to apologize immediately then shook her head. What was it that – at times – it seemed easier to not pretend before strangers? To not play that role one desperately tried to keep up all day long?

"I am afraid that you wouldn't approve."

The woman rose a dubious eyebrow but soon shrugged away Maura's comment. Her smile hadn't faded an inch since the beginning of their singular conversation; nor had her serenity.

"We don't judge people's confessions. Our only goal is to bring them advices, to guide them through their very own answers."

The honey blonde opened her mouth to reply but eventually remained quiet. Long seconds passed by – carried away by the choir up and close to the altar – before the scientist sighed and shook her head in a gesture of resignation.

"I should go. My friend is probably waiting for me outside, now."

The woman nodded. She didn't seem bothered nor hurt by the way Maura was obviously trying to run away from her.

"If you ever need to talk, please feel free to come back. My name is Myriam."

The honey blonde nodded – a pale smile lighting up her features – as she stood up, ready to leave. She had no intention on ever coming back and both women knew it.

"Maura. I am Maura."

The marble floor led her steps outside and as she found back the darkness of the evening, Maura took a deep breath; the cold air burning her lungs. Making her feel alive. Regrets secretly going away already.

She crossed the street and smiled as she noticed Jane on the sidewalk. The brunette was looking at the window stores absentmindedly; her hands deep inside the pockets of her winter coat. Playfully, Maura tapped her friend's shoulder to make her turn around.

Pink cheeks and dark eyes welcomed her, spreading a now usual warmth on her heart; the one that made it beat faster, way too much.

"At last! What happened to your punctuality, Dr. Isles?"

Maura rolled her eyes and grabbed Jane's arm to lead her towards Beacon Hill. It had started snowing again and she was too cold to stay outside. All she wanted was to spend the evening by the fireplace, a glass of wine in hand while enjoying being with her friend.

"I was at King's Chapel."

Her confession took the detective aback. Stifling a laugh of incredulity, Jane shook her head and passed her tongue over her lips. She was in a good mood, that evening. Which made Maura happy.

"Career changes coming your way?"

As much as she knew that Jane was joking, the honey blonde remained impassible. Her eyes staring at the sidewalk opposite the street; an invisible point where a thousand silent thoughts were fighting the delicate secrets of her soul.

"I just like it, there. It is peaceful..."

Jane tightened her grip on the honey blonde's arm. The gesture – if completely innocent from her part - still caused the same effect on the scientist and if it hadn't been for the cold, perhaps the detective hadn't missed the way her friend's cheeks reddened suddenly. How the beats of her heart sped up while a pair of hazel eyes focused on the pavement succumbing to a veil of timidity.

And all these untold things. All these feelings.

As the first townhouses of Beacon Hill appeared in front of them, Maura thought about Myriam and what the woman had said. In spite of all her kindness, there was no way she would ever understand what lay behind the medical examiner's loneliness.


	2. On Pleasant Street

_**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews, they are very well appreciated. I will update the story every two days.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter Two:**

**On Pleasant Street**

**December, 11th**

It had happened on a Tuesday morning. Just like that, without any warning. She had looked at Jane by the elevators of the BPD and it had struck her with a sudden logic.

She didn't love the brunette but was in love with her.

Such a tiny lexical difference for a gap that nobody had a hold on. But by the time she had made it to her office downstairs, the exhilaration of the novelty had faded away; melting into the cruel torpor of reality.

She wasn't supposed to fall in love with Jane. Not only because they were friends but because it was all vain. The mutuality of the feelings would never be; no mattered the fantasies that were slowly creeping into Maura's head. It was a one-sided story, a dead-end path since the very beginning that only the old passing of time would manage to make vanish.

"The countryside makes me nervous. Look at this: not a single building for the past ten miles or so. It's the perfect place to cross the path of a wacko."

Jane's hoarse voice took the honey blonde out of her daydreams. Abandoning the contemplation of the landscape that was speeding past by the car window, Maura turned her face around and rolled her eyes at her friend. Like any person who had grown up in the city, the detective found comfort in the typical traffic sound – the labyrinth of sky-scrappers and streetlights – while the silence of the fields stirred up a latent panic in her mind.

"Five more miles and we will find ourselves among a crowd of Bostonians enjoying the country life for a couple of hours. But it isn't a reason for you to speed up, Jane. The roads are icy. You would be surprised by the percentage of car accidents during this..."

The brunette rose a hand in the air to stop Maura and focused back on the road without adding a word which made the scientist smile, if only discreetly. In spite of everything, she knew that Jane was enjoying it.

When Maura had suggested to pick up their Christmas tree out of the city – up at a farm – a flame had lit up the detective's dark eyes. They rarely changed their plans. Like any people who spent most of their time together, the years had settled down a whole series of routine they didn't even question anymore so it was an adventure to leave Boston behind for a day off. A refreshing parenthesis in a life that could drag them down too easily at times.

Soon, a steeple appeared at the end of the road and the first houses of Lexington began to replace the endless fields covered in snow. The Wilson Farm was on Pleasant Street, its acres spreading all around while a dozen of cars were already parked nearby. An icy wind welcomed them as they stepped out of Jane's Subaru and walked towards the main building.

The sky was gray and dark – the snow announcing itself, glimmering into the tinsels that hung around the farm. After a quick checkup at the desk, they headed to the Christmas tree sections.

"Are you sure that you want to do it yourself, Jane? I am the one who is used to holding instruments so perhaps, I should be in charge of this axe."

The brunette scoffed away Maura's remark and walked deep into the labyrinth of trees; crossing a few people here and there from time to time. The snow was crackling under their boots – the wind blowing through the branches – while Christmas carols resounded somewhere in the background.

They would disagree about the height of the tree – the place they would put it once back to Beacon Hill – but still, deep inside, that day would nonetheless remain unforgettable in their memory. If only quietly, secretly.

"This one is perfect, and well proportioned. Actually, its symmetry is quite amazing..."

For a few seconds, Jane's eyes went from Maura to the tree – the detective obviously debating the idea of making a remark about the scientist's geometry allusions but a nod finally welcomed the blonde and with a stubborn – ridiculous – awkwardness, she made a step towards their target. Axe in hand.

"Get the cam workin', Maur'. This moment will show my whole family how Jane Rizzoli deals with a Christmas tree."

The axe hit the trunk in a murmur, barely sending fly away some bark that landed quietly in the snow. Not daring to say a word, Maura stood there and observed the scene. She knew better than to make a remark about the way her friend was trying to cut the tree. Thankfully, nobody else was around. But as stifled swearing words began to slide on Jane's lips, the scientist put her wisdom aside and stepped in.

"This axe is shit!"

In a gesture of frustration, the brunette abandoned the tool on the ground and started shaking the tree in a desperate attempt to get it off the earth. The snow that had landed on the branches was falling around, covering Jane's dark hair of a fine layer. Restraining a laugh, Maura grabbed her friend's wrist to make her cease.

"Will you stop already! Nothing will be left of it if you keep on shaking it like that."

But only following her stubbornness, the detective kept on releasing her frustration on the branches; her face now reddened by the effort. She had managed to grab most of it – pulling it all towards her body – when her boots slid on the snow and before having a chance to say something, Jane lost her balance; landed on the ground, dragging Maura in her fall.

Laid on her back – eyes fixed on the gray sky – the medical examiner burst out laughing, cast a glance at her friend who was mumbling her frustration away. Jane shrieked.

"I hate the countryside!"

But soon enough, a smile lit up the brunette's face – made her eyes glimmer and Maura's stomach flip – as she locked her eyes with the scientist and rolled on her side to face the blonde properly. Their laugh mixed into the wind and for a tiny second, nothing else mattered.

Nothing else existed.

_I live for these moments with you, without you ever knowing about it. I am sorry if I betray you, Jane. But I can't help it._

It didn't even ache anymore in Maura's heart. She had got used to all of this and had accepted it as part of her very own, singular existence. Nobody would ever know and so what? Love wasn't a crime.

"Okay, time to regroup. Give me back the axe and this time, I will get it. Oh, and take a pic for Casey. I told him we were heading out of town for a tree. It'll make him laugh for sure."

The name resounded too loud in Maura's head, sobering her without any warning. Blankly, she looked how Jane stood up – swept away the snow from her clothes – and picked up the axe again. Something burned in the scientist's throat. She swallowed hard – took a deep breath – and looked down at her lap.

She never forgot Casey. How could she, anyway? If she tried – if only subconsciously – he would come back only to hit her harshly; straight in the back. He wasn't on the same continent but his presence kept on floating around, digging a scar in her heart that would never disappear. And it made her feel stupid.

_Why did you have to lay your eyes on him? Why can't he just leave you alone? Don't take it bad, Jane. But I can't stand him. _

"I am sure that you will do just fine, this time."

A smile embraced Maura's face but nothing glimmered. Her tone of voice had lost itself in a whisper – barely finding an echo against the trees – as her eyes kept on avoiding Jane. It would pass. It always did somehow. More or less quickly. And then – in spite of the guilt – the honey blonde succumbed again to her silent feelings.


	3. On Northern Avenue

_**Author's note: thank you again for all the reviews, I really appreciate them and hope the story isn't too dark and/or sad (don't be worried, it won't last)**_

**Chapter three:**

**On Northern Avenue**

**December, 12th**

The brouhaha of The One Division Cafe in the background rocked her peacefully as she looked at the snow flakes twirling outside in the street. Mug of tea in hand, Maura was leaned against the window. Up on her feet, ready to go back downstairs to her office. She allowed herself a few minutes of break everyday if only to see the light of the day. The neon of the morgue dragged her down, especially on a cold – dark – winter like the one they were having. If she enjoyed the quietness of the place, at times a urge she could barely contain pushed her towards life again and she went upstairs. There, she observed the activity of the coffee shop and nourished herself of its vitality. Discreetly.

"Maura? Maura Isles?"

The voice – vaguely familiar – wrapped her up of an odd feeling and as she turned around to face her interlocutor, the medical examiner knew beforehand who was standing there; against all expectations.

"Sophia... What a surprise! What are you doing here?"

Maura's enthusiasm didn't sound fake yet slightly forced, trying desperately to hide her discomfort. She hated it when her private life decided to get mixed with her professional one. There were things nobody was supposed to know at the BPD. A few details that her colleagues should have been ignoring.

"I was stopping by Boston for work and this is the first coffee place I found on my way. I am going to assume that you work at the BPD, now."

The honey blonde nodded as a warm smile slid on her lips. Out of a subconscious curiosity, her hazel eyes looked down at Sophia's hand. The woman was wearing a wedding band.

"I do and... Oh my god, you are pregnant!"

Sophia's stomach had been hidden by a large scarf until then but as she leaned against a chair, the piece of wool moved away to reveal her curves. Maura's comment got welcomed by a frank laugh; one even time hadn't managed to erase completely. All of a sudden, a thousand memories invaded the scientist's mind. She swallowed hard.

"It is our third... And my first. Until now, Grace carried them. We decided to change the "rules" this time around. It is a boy. Due in March."

Grace. Maura hadn't dared to ask. Grace and Sophia. Fifteen years later and they had a family, now. They had it all when the blonde had been left with nothing in the end.

"How about you? Do you have children? Are you married?"

Maura opened her mouth to reply – to use these words she had learned by heart through the years – but a well-known voice stopped her in her tracks. Jane had obviously approached without nobody noticing it.

"Excuse-me to interrupt you but Maura... We've been trying to call you for ten minutes already. We got a call in the Seaport District. We gotta go."

…

Leaned against the large windows of The Institute of Contemporary Art – arms crossed on her chest – Maura stared blankly at Boston harbor, its gray waters coldly inviting on such a snowy day. She didn't come very often to the museum but every time she did, the panorama ended up hypnotizing her and she could spend hours looking at Fan Pier behind the glass of the four-story modern building.

"Maura?"

The call of her name made her jump of surprise. Jane was standing in her back, her latex gloves still on.

"Are you alright?"

In an attempt of mimicking her friend's posture, the detective came closer to the window and looked at the boats floating in the distance. Soon, the sun would disappear and it would be too dark to enjoy the landscape from there.

"I have scheduled the autopsy for tomorrow morning, 9am. The body has been transferred already. Are you done as well?"

Because of the weather conditions, they had driven to the Seaport District together and patiently Maura had waited for Jane to finish her job on the crime scene. The end of the day was near, the scientist did not need to go back to her office. At last the glass of wine by the fireplace she had been longing for all day long seemed close enough for her to now relax.

"Yes, we are. How about I drop you at your place – go pick up Jo Friday – and come back for dinner? Unless you have other plans, of course."

She might have not been saying so but Jane was suffering from Casey's absence. Maura knew it, deep inside even though it hurt. The brunette had been avoiding evenings alone at her place for quite a while now. Not that the scientist felt like complaining. On the contrary.

The reasons weren't the ones she wished for, the result was still alike and if only for a few hours Jane was by her side. Nobody else. A cruel game of appearances and lies. But what to expect from a friend whose feelings had nothing to do with the ones consuming her own heart?

"This sounds good to me. Will you spend the night over? If I leave my Prius at the BPD, I'll need you to drive me back there tomorrow morning."

Jane nodded enthusiastically before grabbing her friend by the arm to lead her back to the entrance of the museum. Surprisingly enough, she hadn't asked a thing about Sophia during the journey downtown. Instead, she had remained focused on the road – alluding to the crime scene they had been about to see – and that was it. She had left her usual curiosity behind for Maura's highest relief. What would have she said if asked to introduce Sophia properly?

_I lost everything to this woman, once. Just the way I am losing it back to you right now._

They left the museum and Northern Avenue behind in the same odd silence that had wrapped them up for a large part of the day. Only when they arrived on Beacon Hill did Jane finally talk again. As she stopped the car in front of her friend's townhouse, she turned her face around and locked her eyes with Maura's. Intensely. Seriously.

"Don't take it bad but you look a bit off, today. You would tell me if something was wrong, right?"

Jane might not be in love with her, she still cared about her well being and that was a detail that Maura considered as a luck in itself. Her parents lived on another continent – she didn't have relatives around – and if it weren't for the brunette, her lonely life would have looked even more awkward. The question warmed up her heart and within a second, a bright smile lit up her hazel eyes. A nod accompanying it.

"I am doing just fine. I swear I am."

But as if her answer weren't enough, Maura bent over to plant a soft – delicate – kiss on Jane's cheek. It was a completely unusual gesture from her part but the detective didn't look surprised nor shocked. Or at least she didn't show it.

"Okay... I'll be right back."

She forced herself to enter the house and not wait for the Subaru to disappear at the end of the street. It would have sounded stupid to say the least and in spite of all, Maura knew better than that.

She took her boots off in the lobby – abandoned her bag by the door – and walked towards the kitchen on her tiptoes only to squat down by Bass. With tenderness, she caressed the tortoise and smiled at the pet.

"Guess who is coming tonight..."


	4. On Pinckney Street

_**Author's note: thanks a lot for all the reviews!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter four:**

**On Pinckney Street**

**December, 12th – evening**

Maura grabbed her mug of tea with her two hands and blew on the steam while plunging her eyes with Jane's. Sat on the other end of the sofa, the brunette smiled – evasively – then huddled under the large blanket as a sigh of satisfaction passed her lips. It was a smooth evening, relaxing enough. They hadn't talked much about the new case that had landed in their hands earlier in the afternoon. Sometimes, they just preferred to put their job aside and focus instead on lighter subjects. They needed that break – even if quietly enough – if they wanted to be able to confront themselves to the darkness of a singular daily routine that most of people didn't understand.

"Who was the woman you talked to, today? At The One Division Cafe. The pregnant one."

Had it only been a matter of time before Jane to ask such question? Almost resigned, Maura shrugged – cast a glance at the flames dancing in the fireplace – and remained quiet for long seconds as if looking for the words that would fit the best her ineluctable reply.

"Sophia is an old acquaintance from college. I hadn't seen her for at least fifteen years... She moved out of Boston when we graduated. We didn't keep in touch."

Jane nodded, obviously satisfied enough of the answer. Yet in spite of it, Maura didn't relax. If asked for more details about the relation she had with Sophia, the situation would become more complicated. And she wouldn't know how to handle it properly.

"Do you think at times about motherhood? About maternity?"

The medical examiner barely hid her surprise. They didn't talk much about such matter, even when TJ was around. It was delicate, for a thousand reasons. And perhaps – if only in vain – it was better to just ignore the question in itself. Uncomfortable, the honey blonde moved and took a sip of her tea.

"Not really. Not anymore... Do you?"

Jane bit her lower lip as her cheeks suddenly turned red; a pale shade but that nonetheless contrasted a lot with her olive skin. Jo Friday jumped on the sofa to settle on her lap. She let the dog do, caressed it.

"I guess it's fair enough, isn't it?"

For a tiny moment, Maura thought about Casey and tried to picture him out living in a suburban house with Jane. A neat alley. A dog. Children. She quickly swept the thoughts away and cleared her voice as if the mere sound would help her to forget such vision. It might have been cruel but she didn't want it to happen. She didn't want Jane to go away. Things had to stay the way they were, now.

She couldn't afford to build it all over again for a future that would have never looked so uncertain and pointless.

"Of course, it is. Most of people think about it."

Yet as she said so, Maura realized that she wasn't part of them anymore. She had long ago drawn a line under the idea of bringing someone to life. Not that she didn't like children – on the contrary – but how could she teach one about the preciousness of existence when she herself had a hard time understading it properly?

...

Something woke her up. Suddenly. As she opened her eyes and tried to adapt to the darkness around her, Jane swallowed hard; focused on her breathing. The moon was piercing through the windows of Maura's bedroom, sliding on the hardwood floor; leaving a silver tray behind. Quietly, the detective turned around – grabbed her cell phone abandoned on the bedside table – and checked the time.

3am.

Why did it always have to happen? Why did these insomnia always had to strike her in the early morning while she had fallen asleep without any problem earlier? Pushing away her latent frustration, she rolled on her side and observed her friend in the dark. The blonde was peacefully sleeping – her usual serenity embracing her features.

For some reason, they had always slept in the same bed. If at her place, they didn't have much of a choice, at Maura's she still could have retreated to the guest bedroom but Jane never did.

She liked their routine too much for that; the way they kept on talking – their voices fading in whispers after a while – until they finally fell asleep without even realizing it. It was their thing; their moment. A detail everybody ignored and that made their relation unique, different from the other ones.

Too different, perhaps?

Now wide awake, Jane thought about the last few days. Their trip to the farm to pick up a tree, the time spent decorating it downstairs in the living-room. Maura's laughter resounding loud, warming up her heart in a singular way. If asked a few years back, the brunette would have never imagined to meet a person who would make her feel like that. Someone whose friendship would be stronger than any other one around. It had its advantages – a whole series of points that Jane considered as chance – but yet she had to recognize also that their symbiotic link kept on digging a gap between the two of them and the rest of the crowd.

Starting with Casey.

The name popped up in Jane's head before she had a chance to push it back. She didn't want to think about him, especially when Maura was around. Nobody alluded to it but the three of them knew what lay behind their odd _ménage à trois_. It couldn't last. At some point, someone would have to step in and make a choice and it would be hard. Too hard.

_That's why you need to enjoy what you're having now. Don't think too much about tomorrow. Don't do that._

Lost in her impenetrable dreams, Maura moved – frowned – and clutched tighter her pillow as she rolled on her side; facing the brunette with her eyes closed. Her sudden gesture made Jane smile. Amused, the detective waited for a few seconds to see if the scientist would start talking this time around as she had already done in the past. Nothing really comprehensible – a mumble of words – but that had entertained the brunette nonetheless while lost herself to her insomnia.

When it became evident that the medical examiner had drifted off to sleep soundly again without talking, Jane approached a hand from the blond hair.

In the dark, she began to slowly caress it yet making sure that Maura wouldn't wake up any time. How would she react if she caught her friend in the act? It was a singular gesture. Intimate enough. And Jane knew that she wasn't supposed to do that.

Driven by a feeling she could hardly explain, the brunette leaned up on her elbow – came closer to her friend – and planted a soft kiss on top of Maura's head. Then – quietly enough – she settled in her crook and closed her eyes. The blonde's smell going to her head peacefully.

"You aren't the only one who feels lost and lonely, Maura."

The words slid on her lips before she had a chance to hold them back. The murmur vanishing in the room, floating in the dark. Jane closed her eyes. She swallowed hard.


	5. On Harrison Avenue

_**Author's note: thank you again for all the reviews!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter Five:**

**On Harrison Avenue **

**December, 13th**

Tea kettle in hand, Angela sneaked her head by the patio door – noticed Maura focused on the kitchen island – and stepped inside the Beacon Hill house as quietly as possible. Since she had moved in, Jane's mother had learned about the medical examiner's habits and how at night, she often kept on working on cases; read new scientific articles that had just been published. But as she put back into place the kettle, the matriarch realized that the honey blonde wasn't concentrated on anything related to medical studies. Or at least not really.

"Are you playing_ Operation_ alone, Maura?"

Tweezers in hand, the scientist looked up and gave an evasive nod to Angela before focusing back on the board. Her attention was drawn on the rubber band that connected the ankle bone to the knee bone.

"Jane won the last time we played. This is just unacceptable. I have a medical degree, she doesn't. Sure I didn't enroll in a surgery residency but still... I am the one who should do better with scalpels."

Jane had found an old edition of the board game one Sunday afternoon while they had been wandering through the alleys of SoWa Open Market on Harrison Avenue. Taking Maura up to the challenge, their weekly evening games often left a bitter taste for the unfortunate one who ended up losing.

"You are trying to take out of Cavity Sam a rubber band, Maura. I am sure that you would do better if you were dealing with a real bone."

The buzzer sounded as the tweezers touched the metal edge of the opening, making Maura jump out of surprise. Annoyed, she sighed and abandoned the tool on the kitchen island before taking a new sip of her glass of wine.

It was a peaceful evening – large snow flakes falling outside – that hopefully the ringing of her phone wouldn't interrupt. She was on call yet so far, Boston seemed to be inclined to leave her in peace for a while. Not that she would have minded an emergency. She would brave any kind of blizzard to spend more time with Jane who was on a night shift.

"What are you doing here alone on an evening off? You should be out on a date."

Angela's remark made the honey blonde blush. It had been a while since they had alluded to such part of Maura's life. Not that the scientist minded much but lately, her feelings had taken another turn and what she had assumed to be a mere fling for her friend was growing more intense every second. To the point she didn't even want to try and meet someone.

"I am not in the mood for a date right now. You know, these things come and go."

Angela pouted and leaned against the kitchen counter. Of course, she understood. After her divorce, it had taken her a while to feel like going out again and succumb to the seduction game of dating. But it was different for Maura. The honey blonde had never got married. She shouldn't have felt the urge to get a break from anything. Not at her age, not after her bare experience.

"Don't let your job drag you down. I know you have chosen a hard field but that's why it's important to have a life outside of it too."

Maura nodded. Angela was right but she just couldn't help it. What was the point of pretending to play around with a third party when her mind was focused on Jane and Jane only? Besides, she had always been a rather lonely person and throughout the years, she had grown accustomed to it. She wasn't good at socializing. She didn't like it much.

"I am on call tonight, anyway. It is very impolite to leave in the middle of a date and unfortunately... Tragedies don't stop on Christmas time."

Her remark made Angela laugh ironically enough. Rolling her eyes, the matriarch swallowed hard and nodded yet her gaze focused on an invisible point behind Maura's shoulder.

"This is what Jane always says... Small wonder why you two get along so much. You are a lot more alike than what people could assume in the first place. This habit to make of your job a priority... No family of your own yet... I don't say it is necessarily bad. Perhaps it is more a matter of generation. Yet most of her high school mates have now settled down."

Something froze inside Maura. An odd – blurry – sentiment that something wasn't right. She couldn't blame Angela but the matriarch's bitterness began to weigh more on her shoulders, on her mind. Jane knew about it all, how her mother had wishes that never made it high. Fantasies floated around but a touch with reality seemed to happen very seldom.

"But she is dating Casey."

Against all expectations, Angela shook her head and swept away Maura's remark with a gesture of the hand. The woman straightened up, shrugged.

"How convenient to have chosen such a long-distance so-called relationship. Best way to make people stop asking her questions over her singular lifestyle..."

Long after Angela would have retreated to her guesthouse, her words would keep on haunting Maura. For some reason, she had always assumed that Jane's mother was happy about the relation with Casey in spite of everything. But obviously she wasn't and most of all, it didn't fool her much.

Had the brunette really chosen it in the hope of an implicit getaway? It had never crossed Maura's mind and even now, she hardly doubted that it could be true. Her friend wasn't like that. It might have hurt to say it – to recognize the harsh truth – but Jane was in love with him. And the distance made her suffer. Even if she didn't say it.

_She won't call me, tonight. What for? She isn't supposed to. Yet I wish she did, selfishly enough. I wish she thought about me. _

Hesitantly, Maura grabbed her cell phone and began to write down a text message. The words seemed to slide easily, carried on by a fluidity she didn't dare to analyze. But like every night and after having read it again, she simply deleted it before abandoning the electronic device back on the nightstand. She was thirty-eight years old, not twelve.

She wasn't supposed to wish a good night to Jane.

Rolling on her side, she observed the snow that was still falling outside. The temperatures had reached a new low during the night. Had Jane had to go out in spite of it? Fighting the icy wind that managed – no mattered the amount of layers of clothes – to slide along one's spine? Jane. Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane.

Maura grabbed her pillow - pressed it against her face – and stifled a scream of frustration in it. Why did it have to happen? Why did she have to lose her head and heart to someone who couldn't care less? An odd – vibrating – sound took her out of her thoughts and in the dark, she grabbed her cell phone.

"_I can't believe that on my night shift, the coffee maker had to die. _

_Goodnight..._

_Jane."_

Maura smiled.


	6. On Summer Street Plaza

_**Author's note: thank you again for all the reviews, it's a pleasure to read them.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter six:**

**On Summer Street Plaza**

**December, 14th **

As she saw the honey blonde make a frantic step on the ice rink, Jane rose her arm in the air to stop her friend but within a second, Maura's expert movements pushed the detective to draw clear conclusions. Before the detective's pout, the scientist felt the urge to explain herself.

"I might have taken lessons... From the age of six to fifteen."

As if to accompany her statement, the medical examiner made a turn on herself and stopped elegantly as a timid smile lit up her features.

If she had planned on going to the Downtown Boston Holiday Market, Jane had first decided to stop by a small ice rink that had been installed near Summer Street Plaza for the occasion. It had very few to do with the Frog Pond of Boston Common but the detective hadn't resisted to the idea of sliding on the ice if only for half an hour.

Her parents used to take her there once a year, with her brothers. Once she had fallen down and cut open her chin. The scar was still there yet rather tiny.

"Is there something you have never done, Dr. Isles?"

A deep shade of red colored Maura's cheeks. As usual in these moments, she felt guilty. She hadn't had the same childhood as most of people and it had taken her a while to realize it. Even if she did – now – at times she let go of information only to highly regret it afterward.

As much as Jane didn't judge her, there was still a veil of awkwardness spreading over them whenever the scientist revealed by accident some detail of her past life that she assumed was quite ordinary when it wasn't at all.

"It's a joke, Maur'. Don't freak out. Besides... I am not that bad either on ice."

Without any warning, Jane pushed on her left foot and opened her arms wide to turn around. It did not take long for the honey blonde to measure how the posture was wrong and as the detective's ankle slid, Maura grabbed her friend tightly by the waist to prevent her from falling.

Jane landed in her arms; her hands clutched to the scientist's shoulders. Her face a mere inches away from Maura's.

The blonde had lost count of how many times they had found themselves in such position. It might be involuntary, Maura's feelings were still the same. Her body reacted right away as if the mere touch with Jane set of a whole – secret – machine, a whole series of chemical effects under her skin and she stayed there – silent – trapped in the net of her own shameful feelings.

Her fingers moved delicately on her friend's lower back. A tiny gesture that still resulted enough for the brunette to make it back to reality and – laughing away her clumsiness – she took her distance before grabbing Maura's hand.

"Let's just stick to basic skating, okay?"

They took speed – little by little – as they began to slide on the ice rink. The crowd around them turned blurry and soon enough Maura forgot about the Christmas carols that were playing in the background; these old show tunes nobody ever really listened to except during the holidays for a reason she wasn't sure to understand herself. Hand in hand, they locked themselves in that world nobody was allowed in but the two of them. The delicate bubble that made any kind of relation to a third party complicated. But why should they care, anyway? As long as they were happy...

"Why did you stop taking ice skating lessons?"

Casting an amused glance at Jane, Maura kept on skating and shrugged. She focused back right in front of her, tried to push away the urge to give in a few more complicated figures. She hadn't stepped on an ice rink for years and the truth was that she missed the lightness it brought; that odd sensation to kind of be flying above the ground.

"When I realized that I wasn't good enough to compete."

Jane snorted, stopped suddenly; pushing her friend to do alike. For long seconds, her dark eyes stayed fixed on Maura's hazel ones. An impenetrable gaze that intimidated most of people but the scientist.

"You are as bad as me when it comes to losing, aren't you?"

But Jane didn't wait for a reply. Instead, the detective turned around and motioned at the exit, hands on her hips.

"Alright. How about getting some mulled wine, now?"

...

The alleys of the Christmas market were crowded. People had left their office but enjoying the end of a sunny – yet cold – day, they made it last a bit more, lost among small log cabins.

In her quiet fantasies, they were holding hands; shared kisses. Jane murmured sweet words to her ears and nothing else really mattered anymore. They went from a local shop to another displaying obvious signs of affection and the glimmering of their respective smiles embraced the strength of their feelings.

But in reality, there was no kiss. No love. No tender confession among the crowd. Not that they weren't close and didn't share blissful moments together but it still didn't have much to do with Maura's delicate wishes of a different kind of reality.

"These earrings are gorgeous."

Abandoning the contemplation of a bracelet – mug of mulled wine in hand – Maura looked at the piece that Jane was pointing out. Against all expectations, the brunette didn't complain about stopping every three steps to check the different log cabins. She might not like shopping, she still seemed to enjoy her time that evening.

The pair of earrings was rather classic; a silver frame around emeralds. Refined enough.

"You should buy them... They will be perfect for the BPD Christmas Party tomorrow evening."

Immediately, Jane shook her head and repressed a laugh. She was already dragging Maura to the next shop when she finally dared to speak out loud.

"Not only do I not look forward to this freaking dinner but there's no way I dress up and wear all kind of jewels. At the BPD like... Well, anywhere."

The detective's reaction was everything but surprising. It hadn't taken Maura a long time to figure out that Jane accentuated – at times – her tomboy side in the hope to use it as a shield. To protect herself from a macho world that hadn't really spared her through the years. Added to a quiet lack of confidence, Jane's femininity was hardly highlighted on a daily routine which only made these moments – when she finally gave in – even more unique.

"Well... Too bad, because the gem would make your eyes glimmer in a beautiful way. And you would look stunning."

The words floated in the air but it is only when Maura faced the silence that followed them that regret began to weigh on her shoulders. She shouldn't have said that. The result was awkward and obviously, Jane didn't know how to react to it.

"I meant... I... There is a..."

Defeated and ashamed, the scientist hid her embarrassment behind her mug of mulled wine and took a long sip of it. The alcohol burnt her throat, reddened her cheeks.

"Thank you."

Taken aback, Maura stopped in her tracks; a stranger bumping in her back, mumbling swearing words before keeping on walking with a glance of reproach on her. Jane grabbed her forearm – sending that wave of butterflies in her stomach – and squeezed it tight. How could she look so peaceful, so calm?

Without any warning, the brunette bent over and planted a kiss on her friend's cheek. A chaste one yet long enough to make Maura's heartbeats speed up loudly. As she took some distance and locked her eyes with the medical examiner's, Jane smiled – shyly – then bit her lower lip.

"Thank you for everything."


	7. On School Street

_**Author's note: thank you so, so much for all the reviews. I'm really glad to see you're all enjoying the story.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter seven:**

**On School Street **

**December, 15th **

As she felt Jane's finger's on her lower back, Maura stopped breathing. For the tiny seconds that lasted the gesture – the brunette zipping up her dress – the scientist swallowed hard, closed her eyes focusing on the sensation brought by the intimate contact. Except unlike in her fantasies, the detective didn't go and let her hands slide on Maura's lower stomach afterward before planting a bold kiss in the depth of her neck. Instead, Jane's fingers furtively slid off the blonde's lower back as she made a step backward.

"Are we ready, now?"

Still slightly troubled by the sudden closeness they had shared, Maura looked up at her reflection in the mirror of her bedroom. But instead of checking her very own dress, her gaze stopped on Jane who was standing behind her. The dark eyes of the brunette were glimmering, melting into her delicate smile.

Maura pouted and pretended to have a look at their respective outfits. In spite of the complain of the beginning, Jane had finally given in and was wearing a black, knee-length dress. After all, the party was held at The Omni Parker House which was quite a refined place in Boston. She couldn't go in her usual slacks. No mattered her colleagues wouldn't miss the opportunity to make a remark or two about her sudden – and unusual – femininity.

"Not quite..."

Without a word and leaving a surprised Jane behind, Maura turned around – went to grab her bag – and took a small box out of it. Nobody would ever notice it but it took her all the courage she had to handle it to her friend without shaking. Before the detective's obvious incomprehension, the honey blonde cleared her voice and shrugged away her timidity.

"This is for you."

Jane frowned and with uncertainty grabbed the box before opening it. The emerald earrings they had seen the day before at the Christmas market were shining in her hands; catching the light of the lamps. She shook her head, looked up at Maura.

"You shouldn't have..."

But the medical examiner stopped her and with an unexpected confidence grabbed the earrings to put them on Jane's ears. Not that the brunette needed to know about it but Maura had sent her assistant to buy them earlier in the afternoon to make sure that her friend would be able to wear them for the BPD Christmas party.

"Perfect. As planned, they suit you very well... Now on to School Street for a glass of champagne. Did you know that Ho Chi Minh used to be the pastry chef of The Omni Parker House? Most of people do know that this is where John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Jackie got engaged but they rarely know about the "pastry history" of this place."

Jane would ask her to stop giving these odd facts nobody cared about but she couldn't help it. What else was left to say, anyway? She would have never been able to face the silence that would have followed the surprise of the earrings so – all in all – hiding her anxieties behind words could hardly been worse.

...

Comfortably settled against the large pillows of Jane's bed, Maura took a sip of her wine then put back the glass on the bedside table. The BPD dinner had been nice enough – more than what she had hoped for in the first place – and eager to not finish the evening so soon, she had accepted her friend's offer to go back to the brunette's place for a drink. It was getting late but the honey blonde didn't care. Jazz was playing in the background – they always agreed on Ella Fitzgerald in the end – and she felt fine, there.

Too fine.

"Casey won't come back for Christmas. He called me, this morning. He is on a new mission so he had to cancel his flight."

Questions rushed to Maura's mind, bumping into each other; making it impossible for her to properly speak. Say the slightest thing. She knew that Casey had chances to come back to Boston but as usual, Jane had remained rather quiet about it and for shameful reasons, Maura herself hadn't asked for more details either. She was being awfully selfish but in spite of wisdom whispering to her that she shouldn't act that way around, something stronger ended up winning and there she stood; lost among a thousand regrets and lies.

She counted until five then turned her head around to look at Jane. Peacefully settled against her pillows, the brunette was staring right in front of her. Coldly. Was it anger – disappointment – or confusion that lit up her eyes at this late hour of the night? Unable to find the proper answer to such question, Maura swallowed hard and bit her lower lip.

"I'm sorry."

Her whisper made her blush. It was a ridiculous remark. Obviously, Jane had expected something else from her. As her friend, it was Maura's role – right now – to find the right words to comfort the person laid next to her in bed. But nothing came up. The seconds began to pass by – to fly away – and it didn't work. Atrociously enough, the scientist remained quiet.

"You know what? The worst of all is that I... I don't know if I wanted him to come back at all."

Anger. Of course, Jane was angry and it explained her reaction; as harsh as her confession could be. In a desperate attempt to soothe her friend's pain, Maura leaned up on her elbow and caressed Jane's cheek as an apologetic smile embraced her features. Her very own pain fighting to rush up her eyes before melting into burning tears.

One more time, she should have said something but what exactly?

That it was okay? That she deserved better? Like whom? Herself? But nobody knew who Maura Isles really was. Nobody knew that she liked women. Nobody knew that Jane was the only logic in her life. Nobody knew anything and it would always be like that.

Without thinking it twice and because words were dancing a blurry waltz in her head, Maura bent over then planted a comforting kiss at the corner of Jane's lips. She had never done that, never come so close to such an intimate part of the detective's body.

Perhaps the glasses of wine she had had helped, in the end. The hours had gone by, taking away all the inhibitions she had. Perhaps. Yet she wasn't drunk, not even tipsy.

Jane didn't move, didn't push her back. Why would she have, anyway? It was just a kiss, a soft gesture supposed to make her feel better and draw a line under her quiet disappointment. Later when she went to analyze the whole thing, Maura wouldn't come to any conclusion. She wouldn't find the reason why she didn't take her distance at this moment to settle back on her side of the bed.

Why – instead – she let her lips fully capture her friend's. Her hand abandoning the caress on Jane's cheek to travel up in her ebony hair. A stifled sound of surprise – a slight protest, maybe – escaped from the detective's lips as she clutched the honey blonde's arms to push her away. But Maura didn't give in and – instead – deepened the kiss until Jane succumbed to it.

Relaxing at first in her arms before a troubling urge pushed her to respond to the embrace with a barely contained eagerness. And all of a sudden, she belonged to Maura.


	8. On Charles Street

_**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews, I'm glad you're enjoying the story!**_

_**...**_

**On Charles Street **

**December, 16th **

The buzzing of her cell phone abandoned on the bedside table woke her up abruptly. A moan passed her lips as she sat up and grabbed the item to stop the alarm. And then it hit her. Way too suddenly. Clothes scattered on the floor – underwear included – and Maura on the other side of the bed who was already stirring up, woken by the phone.

Jane didn't panic. No. Instead, a feeling she had never experienced before invaded her – something that stood between embarrassment and uncertainty – and she swallowed hard; closed her eyes, in the hope it was only a dream and she would soon wake up now. Of course, it didn't happen.

"You're on call?"

The honey blonde's voice – slightly hoarse in the morning – made her jump and avoiding her gaze, Jane shook her head, began to nervously play with the blanket of her bed.

"No, it's my alarm. To make sure I wake up on time to Skype Casey."

The silence that followed weighed a lot and as Jane got up – obviously uncomfortable before her nudity – Maura nodded quietly and turned around to look out the window, giving the brunette more privacy.

It barely lasted a few seconds, though.

When she turned her head again, the scientist got to face nothing but the cold loneliness of an empty bedroom where whatever had happened the night before laid now lifeless in a blurry memory.

Hastily, Maura got up – picked up her clothes – and put them on before stepping into the living-room. She wasn't mad at Jane and hadn't assumed that everything would go smoothly after the night they had spent together. Yet she had hoped that nobody would mention Casey either. Not so soon.

Unsure of what she was supposed to say – barely daring to look at her friend – the medical examiner started dancing on her feet; her purse in hand. But as Jane opened her mouth to finally speak, another buzzing – the one of Skype – prevented her from doing so.

The brunette passed on the other side of the kitchen counter and forced a smile at her laptop screen.

"Hey..."

Dark eyes – full of uncertainty – looked up at Maura for tiny seconds before focusing back on Casey. Head leaned against the palm of her hand, the detective sat at the counter and cleared her voice; answered absentmindedly all the questions the man on the other side of the screen was asking.

"Yes, I'm alone..."

Without a word, the honey blonde walked to the door and left. She could have slammed it – rather loudly – and to force Jane to explain herself to Casey but she hadn't felt like doing so. It was not her friend's fault. Just the matter of a bad, cruel timing.

Life rarely had to do with the perfect scenario of any romantic movie, anyway. That was something Maura had learned a long time ago. Why would have it been different this time around, exactly?

_Because you wish so. Le's face it._

The drive back home turned out quiet. Blank. It is only when she stepped in her bedroom – took her clothes off again and looked at herself in the mirror – that a thousand wonders rushed to the medical examiner's head. Long minutes passed by as her hazel eyes kept on staring at her body; the contrast of her black underwear against her pale skin, her cheek bones, her hips. Her stomach. All these parts Jane had kissed.

Her feet led her to the bathroom and as she plunged in the warmth of a bath – disappeared under the transparent surface – images of the night before rushed back to her mind. She closed her eyes – trying to ignore the loud beats of her heart against her temples – and couldn't help but smile.

She didn't regret her sudden boldness, the mere gesture she had had towards Jane. Yet she had revealed a lot more about herself to her friend; all these untold things nobody knew about. Like her obvious past experience with women. Her feelings.

She had abandoned herself to the moment – let her lips caress the brunette's body, savoring every single inch of her olive skin – as if too afraid it would be gone soon and all she would be left with would be a couple of bittersweet memories. She hadn't had the clumsiness of novices. Unlike Jane, she had showed enough confidence to let the detective understand a few things. Too many of them, actually. And yet...

_If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't hesitate the slightest bit._

Succumbing to the uncertainty of the moment, Maura drew a line under the things she had planned for the day. She stayed home, feeling safe behind the walls of the Beacon Hill townhouse. It would be a quiet Saturday, a precarious one. The shadow of a ruined friendship floating on her shoulders, taken away by a series of what-ifs and all these scenarios that didn't make much sense in the end.

An old ring she had made resharpen had been delivered to Mariska's Antique Shop on Charles Street but the jewel would wait. Everything would wait. She had all her life to go and pick the gem, all her life to wonder if the night before had marked a turn. An ineluctable one?

"I have always been bad at handling relationships. Of course there is no exception here."

The tortoise kept on chewing the leaves. Slowly, meticulously. Very often – when things didn't turn her way – Maura had thought about Bass, about its calmness. How it contrasted with the storm that inhabited her in silence.

"I envy you... You don't know what it is to feel lonely. Do you?"

After a frugal dinner, the honey blonde headed straight to bed and plunged herself in the reading of the medical essays that piled up on the floor. Carried away by the frenzy of Christmas, she had postponed them all. Obviously, the loneliness brought by such peculiar Saturday evening was idyllic now..

It was 10.30pm when she heard a stifled sound coming from downstairs. Someone opening the door. But within a second, the well-known paws of a dog on the hardwood floor made her relax. Or so. Sat up in bed – unsure of her next move – Maura looked around, panicked. She knew what the presence of a dog in her house meant.

"Oh!"

Before she had a chance to react, Jo Friday entered the bedroom – jumped on her lap – and left back to go settle on her basket at the end of the corridor. Maura smiled. Had the dog come in just to notify her presence in the house? Just to tell her hi? The lightness of the moment didn't last, though. And soon the person she wanted to see the most and yet dreaded appeared on the door frame.

Jane didn't look fine. Her features had deepened and her complexion was pale. For a few seconds, she didn't move; just stared at Maura, biting her lower lip. Then – hesitantly enough – she made a step forward. Stopped again. Obviously debating a thousand arguments in her head.

It could only go two ways, now. Two very different paths that would settle whatever change in their life and nothing would be the same anymore. No mattered what.

Jane closed the door. She took a deep breath – swallowed hard – and restraining a moan of uncertainty, made a few strides to sit on the bed; on Maura's lap. Her hand slid on the scientist's cheek softly as she locked her eyes with the blonde's hazel ones.

The last inches between their respective faces disappeared in the silence of the night as Jane bent over to kiss Maura.


	9. On Cooper Street

_**Author's note: thank you for the reviews and sorry for the semi-heart attack some of you seem to have suffered from because of the previous chapter!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter nine:**

**On Cooper Street **

**December, 17th **

It would be a new beginning, a new "first" morning. Less awkward than the one of the day before, less cold. It had to or else why would have Jane come back to spend again the night in her arms?

Maura had awoken long minutes ago but she hadn't dared to move. Settled on a side – under a warm blanket – she observed in silence the brunette's face. The detective's features didn't look as sharp and deep when she was asleep. Instead, a veil of softness embraced her figure, highlighting a vulnerability that Jane couldn't stand herself.

One can't lie when sleeping.

They hadn't talked. If the scientist had to be completely honest, she hadn't felt like to; just in case. They had lost control of whatever had made their life so far and it didn't take long to understand that all these things happening now were way too precarious, too blurry to ever be defined. At some point – perhaps – one would dare to say something. Just not yet, not now.

Jane moved – rolled on her side – and stirred up. Immediately, a latent panic invaded Maura as if in an echo of what had occurred twenty-four hours earlier. She didn't want to live it again. It had crushed her silly hopes way too harshly.

But before she had a chance to set off the whole machine in her head and a thousand disastrous scenarios to start haunting her, the brunette opened her eyes and smiled.

Peacefully, maybe with a slight timidity.

"Good morning."

Once the passion of their caresses and kisses had stopped – and reality set back in – something seemed to float upon their shoulders. Not a disturbing feeling – not painful – but it embraced them with an odd singularity. Maybe it wasn't that easy to go from friends to something else, something more intimate.

Besides, a morning after was always delicate. Obviously even more in this context.

Barely hiding her hesitation, Maura tended a shaking hand towards Jane's cheek. She had never felt so scared – so unsure – in spite of the boiling happiness that asked for nothing but to reign over the rest.

A gentle kiss on the brunette's lips. Soft enough, warm.

"Good morning."

Jane shivered and huddled against the honey blonde, closing back her eyes as a long sigh passed her lips. The snow was falling hard by the windows of the bedroom. Its thick veil of whiteness twirling in the sky in a silent, icy waltz. Maura focused on the delicate movement of the flakes, the sentiment of purity that seemed to emanate from them.

"I wish it turned into a blizzard."

Jane stifled a laugh at the medical examiner's remark then frowned as her gaze followed Maura's and she began to contemplate the snow falling outside.

"Why?"

A burning sensation rushed up to the blonde's cheeks as her pale complexion reddened suddenly. She had let the words pass her lips before thinking twice about them. Would the confession be too clear? What if it made Jane uncomfortable? They had slept together – twice – yet what were they supposed to be, now? The silence over the situation wasn't easy to handle properly.

"Because that means we wouldn't have to go out and we could spend the whole day here."

Or the whole week. The whole month. Their whole life, maybe. Except Maura preferred to keep this part of her thinking for herself. She always had a tendency to rush into her feelings, no mattered how harsh the ending tended to be. If she handled her professional life perfectly, her romantic one was a whole different story to say the least.

Jane leaned up on her elbow, locked her dark eyes with the blonde's.

"That's sweet."

But there was no blizzard, not a single possibility to remain in bed all day long. Instead, life had to go on with its priorities and different projects; starting with Sunday lunch with Angela.

As she stepped in the kitchen and observed Jane talking to her mother with perfect randomness, Maura pondered a few things, got lost – one more time – in these wonders that wouldn't leave her alone. How could the brunette seem so at ease when she barely managed to look at Angela in the eyes? How would she pretend so easily?

"I got these from Maria Montello."

The matriarch proudly opened a green box and showed Maura a few pastries before turning around to face her daughter.

"You remember Maria? You two used to play together in our street when you were kids. Now she lives on Cooper Street in the North End. Her husband is a pastry chef. She asked about you."

When Maura had got to meet Jane, she had been fascinated. Somehow, the detective represented all the things the honey blonde had secretly hoped for during her childhood: a big – loud – family, the warmth that seemed to emanate from the link that connected the brunette to her siblings. Then she had fallen for it. Not by envy, though.

All of this was part of Jane and she was the one who Maura loved more than anything.

"Maura? Maura!"

The well-known hoarse voice made her jump and – eggnog in hand – the scientist turned around, rose a questioning eyebrow to the brunette. Without noticing it herself, she had left the kitchen to stand by the Christmas tree she and Jane had decorated. It stood proudly in the living-room, by the large windows. Glimmering in its shades of gold and red.

Elegantly.

"When your daydreams are over, my mother would like to introduce you to that _carbonara _sauce that this wonderful Maria from Cooper Street gave her. And since I'm not a good Italian enough to even be in charge of that damn thing, I'm off to walk Jo Friday."

The medical examiner didn't miss Jane's sarcasm nor the frosty look she gave her mother before going for the leash; the dog trotting happily behind her. Obviously, both had again thrown themselves in one of their usual arguments that at first – when she wasn't used to them yet – tended to scare Maura a bit.

Now they always made her smile if only discreetly.

But something was different this time around and when she looked up at Angela, the honey blonde had to force a smile. Reluctantly, she walked to the kitchen counter and put down her mug on it. It was all wrong and hitting her like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, harshly.

_I slept with your daughter. We had sex together... I probably screwed these life references she had thought to be certain and even if she doesn't talk about it openly, I know she's lost and it's because of me. I've been selfish. Everything is about to explode in a thousand pieces. No matters what – even if she sees it only as a blurry parenthesis in her life – all the rest belongs now to the past._

All smile, Angela grabbed a brown paper bag and discarded whatever had been left on the kitchen top. The painful part for Maura was that the matriarch had no idea about anything – it was being played in her back – and for her, the world was just going on. It was cruel somehow.

"You should put your apron on so we can start. I have brought all the necessary ingredients."

Without a word – absentmindedly – Maura nodded and went to grab the piece of clothing.


	10. On Schroeder Plaza

_**Author's note: thank you again for all the reviews, I really appreciate reading them.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter ten:**

**On Schroeder Plaza**

**December, 18th**

Apart from the buzzing of the neon light above her head, the room was silent; cold. Through the doors, she could hear the rare steps of her staff walking down the corridor and going from an office to a lab in the delicate quietness that the morgue seemed to impose rather implicitly. Her scalpel cut in the flesh – deeply enough – yet without blood flooding out. It was one of the advantages of working on cadavers. There was no pain inflicted, nothing that could remind her of life. Nothing damaging.

As she finished the Y incision, Maura put down her instrument and took her time to look at the woman straight in the eyes. She was in her mid-fifties, high cheekbones and thin lips. There was something the scientist recognized as graceful in her features, in spite of death having frozen them for the eternity.

_Have you been happy? Have you got to know what happiness really is? I don't think I ever had... For a reason I can't understand, it seems like I'm unable to reach the notion properly. I brush it – at times – but the contact is so ephemeral that I'm not sure. It's more about shades of it, a vague taste that doesn't remain long enough for me to appreciate it fully._

As her assistant stepped into the autopsy room with a series of x-rays, Maura put an end to her silent – odd – dialogue with the corpse and focused back on her work.

She wasn't happy. In spite of all the things that had happened to her for the past few days. Or better said – maybe – because of them; because it wasn't turning out as she had hoped it would.

They had made love again the night before but Jane hadn't stayed. Instead, she had driven back home in the snow officially to make sure that she would have her proper work clothes on Monday morning but Maura knew better. She had to talk to Casey. They always did at the beginning of the week.

"She had multiple fractures that aren't mentioned in her medical file."

The assistant's remark made Maura rise an eyebrow in surprise and with her typical meticulousness, the blonde went to check the x-rays on the light box. She needed to focus on this and nothing else. Jane had to wait – the blurriness of their relationship as well – because there were other priorities. Her heart had ached before, it could keep on hurting for a little more.

_But why can't you just be satisfied of what you already have? Why do you always have to wish for more and never embrace the time being? Why do you always live in the expectancy of something more? _

She had always been a perfectionist, even in her romantic life. As much as she could define the notion of happiness, it was an exotic concept to her eyes; something that seemed impossible to reach because – no mattered what – there was always another element she didn't own and that would improve it all.

"She didn't fall down the stairs, did she?"

As much as she didn't like guessing, Maura had no choice but to pout at the question. The old fractures – yet still visible on x-rays – and the silence of the medical file put the light on something she had not planned; was never eager to find out on anyone.

"I don't think so, no... She probably suffered from domestic violence at some point in her life."

But by the time death had come to carry her away, the woman was a widow and had been living on her own for long years. She had taken her secrets to her grave and nobody would ever know what she had to go through at all. Such details wouldn't change much Maura's conclusions. It was just an unfortunate discovery about a woman who appeared too lonely to ever have relatives calling nd caring about her sudden absence.

_Perhaps happiness has remained a foreign concept for you as well in the end._

The medical examiner was about to enter her own office – after a long and emotionally painful autopsy – when she noticed Jane on the couch. The brunette seemed lost in her thoughts; her features deepened, emphasizing tormented feelings. Cruelly enough, it comforted Maura. At least she wasn't the only one who had a hard time dealing with whatever direction their life had suddenly taken.

The honey blonde counted until five – forced a smile on her lips – and stepped into her office; hands in her white coat pockets.

"Hi..."

They had had breakfast together at the BPD when they had arrived. At usual on Monday morning. Yet they had gone straight into work mode, had kept a reasonable distance all along. The intimacy of their caressed had been left behind in Maura's bedroom, under the pale – quiet – moonlight. In public, they didn't move an inch; didn't change a thing from their usual behavior. For everyone, they were still the same ones: Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles, colleagues and - against many's expectations - very close friends.

"Hey. I come for the museum murder. There's an issue with the lab results. The DNA is the wrong one."

Intrigued, Maura approached and checked the file Jane had taken down to the morgue with her. Due to professional meetings and responsibilities as the Medical Chief Examiner of Massachusetts, she hadn't followed the whole case process yet was still at the head of it. At least officially. Her name was on top of every single page that constituted the medical file, she couldn't accept the slightest mistake from her staff.

"Files must have been mixed... I'm sorry. The reference number isn't the same on the first page than on the other ones. I'll go get them by myself to make sure there's no mistake again."

Jane smiled – softly enough – and as a veil of red covered her cheeks, something warmed up in Maura's heart. If it weren't for a thousand things, the honey blonde would have taken her friend in her arms and nourished herself of her scent, her body heat. She missed her lips, her hands.

Her breath against her skin.

"Maur'?"

The usual confidence that pierced through Jane's hoarse voice had mysteriously disappeared, replaced by a shaky tone that made the honey blonde smile sweetly; encouragingly. Without a word, the scientist nodded – waited – as she watched how her friend was twisting her hands nervously.

"I was wondering... You know... What if... I mean, would you like... Well, I don't have plans tonight... And err..."

A frank knock on the door made both women jump of surprise and – slightly taken aback – they turned around to look at Senior Criminalist Susie Chang enter the office, files in hand.

"The toxic results are negative for Mrs. Thomson. However the.. Sorry, am I interrupting you?"

Jane blushed at the question – shook her head – then turned on her heels in an inaudible mumble. This was a side the detective rarely showed in public – especially in her work environment – but for once it seemed like her timidity had taken control of her mind and she hadn't managed to hide it properly.

"_I'd like to see you again tonight..._

_Jane"_

Long after she replied to the text message, Maura would keep on smiling brightly. As a matter of fact, it would remain there – on her lips – lighting up her features. For the rest of the evening. When in a bath, Jane would trace a path of kisses down her throat and she would throw her head backwards, arching her back; her legs squeezing the brunette's waist tight. She would keep on smiling through the night.


	11. On Fairfield Street

_**Author's note: thank you very much again for the reviews, it's still a pleasure to read them.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter eleven:**

**On Fairfield Street **

**December, 19th **

She hadn't insisted. When Jane had emailed her a whole series of points to follow once she left work in the late afternoon, Maura had smiled and decided to play along. Her curiosity was now piqued and she couldn't wait to see what the brunette had had in mind all along but all of a sudden – as she was standing by the door of the detective's apartment – a latent fear spread over her. Quietly.

For some reason, the honey blonde had assumed that Jane had had something sweet in head but maybe Maura was wrong. Maybe all her friend wanted was to have a talk – at last, somehow – and cleared up all the untold that had kept on happening. Trying to ignore the faint pain on her heart before such idea, the medical examiner took a deep breath and knocked at the door as asked in the email.

"Sorry, I am a tad late. There was a lot of..."

Maura's sentence vanished in the air as her eyes stopped on Jane. Timidly enough, the brunette was by the door in a rather short and suggestive deep red dress; her hair up in a bun, loose curls falling around her face in an ebony shade, highlighting her emerald earrings. The ones Maura had bought a few days earlier.

"It's okay. Come in."

Before the candles lit up in every corner of the Back Bay apartment and the delicious smell that came from the kitchen, Maura let a sigh of relief pass her lips in silence. It wouldn't be a goodbye evening. None of them would ask for it to end for all the reasons they didn't dare to mention out loud. Not yet.

The dream could last a little longer.

Without a word, Jane took the blonde's coat off – put it on the rack by the door – and went to pour two glasses of wine. Maura joined her at the kitchen counter where the table had been set up by a couple of candles and a small – electric – Christmas tree. The scientist laughed lightly and pointed it out.

"Is it your own variation of a Christmas tree? It's cute."

Making the honey blonde's glass slide on the counter, Jane nodded then shrugged. Apart from the small electric item, nothing in her apartment could let people assume that Christmas was coming. The snow flakes twirling around outside – by the windows – vaguely stood as a hint the winter had settled down once and for all in Massachusetts already.

"I don't need a real one. Christmas is at home, on Beacon Hill."

_At home_. Maura didn't miss the detective's choice of words – the way Jane had implicitly assumed that the townhouse the scientist owned was as much part of her life as the place she officially lived in there on Fairfield Street – but she didn't make any remark. Too afraid that if she did, the brunette would say something and make a step backwards in her semi-confession.

"Your dress suits you very well... Although you should have told me. I would have changed into a more appropriate outfit."

Jane motioned at the stool for Maura to sit down. The honey blonde did in an echo of the detective's very own move on the opposite side of the counter.

"Ma' forced me to buy it a few weeks ago, for Christmas. I assumed wearing it twice in my life instead of once wouldn't change much in the end... You don't need to put on anything else. You're beautiful the way you are."

Unsure of what she was supposed to say – taken aback by her friend's sudden boldness – Maura looked down at her plate; her hair falling in front of her face, hiding a shy smile and the red on her cheeks.

She hadn't expected such moment, such words. They hadn't succumbed to any seduction game already – in spite of the amount of nights spent together – and she hadn't assumed that Jane wanted it.

Oddly enough, there hadn't been any transition between their friendship status to the way they had ended up in bed. Never. There hadn't been any talk, anything whatsoever. A kiss settled it down and there they went. Carried away by a quiet – burning – desire. Tonight was marking a turn.

The contact of Jane's fingertips on her chin made Maura gasp. She looked up – as implicitly asked – and stared in silence into the brunette's dark eyes that were glimmering under the candle light. Was it way too perfect for life to always go like that? The kiss – chaste at the beginning – suddenly began to own that same urge that drove their caresses; their short breaths when the paroxysm of their feelings was near. They just couldn't help it. No mattered what. It was symbiotic.

Jane broke the embrace – reluctantly, shyly enough – and cleared her voice before standing up to go and pick the slices of bread she had previously cut. Still lost in the dizzying sensation of the kiss.

"I err... I hope you will enjoy the meal."

...

Head leaned on Jane's bare shoulder – a leg over the brunette's – Maura squinted her eyes at the path of clothes they had left behind them in the frenzy of their embrace.

"I didn't know that you wore garter belts."

As she had passed a bold hand under Jane's dress – her fingers traveling up the detective's hips slowly – Maura had been surprised by the contact with such a feminine piece of lingerie.

"We can hardly talk in plural, here... And I rarely – extremely rarely – wear it."

The scientist shrugged and smiled, amused by the explanation. It was a side of the brunette she didn't know much; hadn't assumed at all if she had to be honest. Playfully, she began to draw circles on Jane's lower stomach; her fingertips brushing the smooth, hot skin absentmindedly.

"It suits you... It's sexy."

_But then everything is sexy on you. From your usual cotton boxer shorts to the most refined - yet so occasional - piece of lacy lingerie... Like the one you wore tonight. For me. For me?_

Of course, it was for her. From the homemade dinner to the unusual choice of clothing, Jane's attention had been aimed on and for Maura. Nobody else. And it made the honey blonde ridiculously proud.

They were talking. Not about random subjects but for the very first time, about themselves; about the desire that inhabited their souls. It was new, still delicate and fragile. Not necessarily clumsy but the sweetness and singularity of novelty floated above them in the dimmed light of the room.

Without thinking it twice, Maura leaned up on her elbow and locked her eyes with Jane's dark ones as she gently caressed her cheek. The gesture made the brunette smile.

Maura swallowed hard.

"I lov-..."

Jane's index finger crashed on her lips, turned her quiet immediately. Something passed and stole the lightness that had lit up the detective's features until now. She frowned; shook her head. Her eyes torn by a silent pain.

The ghost of her voice hit the air.

"Don't say it. Please... Don't say it."

She had gone too far, too quickly. She had ruined everything. Nodding – feeling immensely guilty and trapped into something she didn't manage to identify properly – Maura nodded and forced a smile before capturing Jane's lips in a urging kiss.

It was just a matter of time.

Wasn't it?


	12. On Province Street

_**Author's note: thank you again - a lot - for all the reviews!**_

_**;;;**_

**Chapter twelve**

**On Province Street **

**December, 20th **

Happiness was a way too ephemeral feeling; a concept people relied on – clutched to – with despair and ridiculous hope. Over and over, as if nobody remembered the last time it had hit them harshly.

Lost among the crowd of passers-by – in front of the King's Chapel choir – Maura hadn't escaped from the rule and there she stood, trying to push away the painful disappointment that had settled down for a couple of minutes now. Jane wouldn't come. Their plans had crashed; from listening to the carols to walking through the streets peacefully, together. And not because of work.

Because of _him. _Because at the last minute he had been available on Skype and Jane had taken the call.

A gust of wind passed through Maura's scarf and slid along her nape in an icy embrace as if to remind her that she was still alive in spite of the dead silence of her heart. The scientist huddled up and focused on the crowd of singers as their voices rose in the middle of the street in perfect harmony. She was not mad at Jane. How could she be? Casey was far, and risking his life every day. No one could turn down a person considered as a hero by a whole nation. Especially the woman who shared – more or less – his life.

The last thought tightened its grip on Maura's throat. She swallowed hard, fighting for air. But too soon her vision turned blurry and silent tears fell down her face.

Of course, she had got attached to Jane. Even before their lips had met for the first time and they had sealed an odd – quiet – pact that remained blurry most of the time. Everything would hurt, no matter she had known since the very beginning that things wouldn't take another direction. It wasn't love but a silent addiction that ate away her life yet nourishing it at the same time.

Myriam.

Maura hadn't forgotten her. Since their unexpected conversation in King's Chapel, the woman's smile had floated in the medical examiner's head like a symbolic ghost which purpose remained uncertain. Without a word, the honey blonde approached her; hands in the pockets of her coat. Dried tears on her cheeks.

"How about some tea?"

Maura nodded and – in silence – they both left the street.

...

The coffee shop was busy – loud – yet Maura felt intimidated by the sudden, intimateface-to-face with a person she barely knew in the end. Clutched to her mug of tea, she forced a smile at Myriam but didn't say a word. She had no idea how to start. Everything laid there – at the surface, boiling – but she could not find a proper way to put words on her feelings.

"You didn't solve your problems, did you?"

Myriam was smiling, just like the first time they had met. A peaceful – delicate – smile that embraced her features with a singular aura. Tired of the whole thing, Maura shook her head and sighed.

"I have pretended it was alright for so long... Why can't I just keep it up anymore? It's... I have never ignored my feelings. But I didn't mind the secrecy of it."

She had blurted it out in a painful whisper but as she realized that her words didn't make much sense to her interlocutor, the honey blonde blushed; took a deep breath. She couldn't come backwards anymore.

"I am in love. I have been for quite a while, now. And it was all fine. I mean, it happens... I didn't ask for it to be mutual. It was too complicated. But then... It wasn't a _once in a lifetime._ It was not a one-night stand because it keeps on happening. It's not... She can't be mine."

The scientist paused and locked her eyes with Myriam's, almost with insolence as if to ponder the weight of her last sentence on her interlocutor. Before the woman's silence, she bit her lower lip.

"Are you judging me, now?"

_We don't judge. _She hadn't forgotten Myriam's words when she had sat on one of the benches of King's Chapel on that cold evening. Now she couldn't help but doubt the woman's sincerity.

''Because you're in love with a woman? Love is love, Maura. Who am I to ever judge a feeling no one has a hold over in the end?"

The reply took her aback and casting a glance through the window at Province Street, the scientist rose a dubious eyebrow; shrugged. What was she doing there in the first place? Talking to a stranger about her feelings, all these untold things she had kept for herself over and over. It didn't match her temper – didn't match who she was – yet she needed it. The words had to come out.

"I am hoping for too much, too many things; too fast... She isn't even single. Her boyfriend is in Afghanistan and the selfish person I am only thinks about her own good; her own wishes. I hate myself for it. I have been the one who kissed her, the one who broke down the limits of our friendship. I have created the... Mess she is in. It is all because of me. And in spite of that, I only keep thinking about myself."

A bitter – burning – laugh passed her lips. She took a sip of her tea but the drink was too hot. She made a face, shook her head.

"I'm asking for too much. She can't give up someone who is risking his life every day for the sake of... And even if she did – even if she felt like doing so – I know what she's going through. I know what it feels like when you find out that what you took for life references aren't at all. I... When I was in college, I met a woman. And this is when I understood; when I realized that I could fall in love with... With women. It hits you like a ton of bricks because unlike what some people say, at times you had no idea before that it was part of you. And it's all so precarious... A single person makes your life tip over. It takes time to come to terms with it, if you ever do."

A baby cried somewhere in the background. A group of young students burst out laughing. Maura was confessing to her deepest feelings and – all around – life was going on as if it couldn't care less about the efforts it took for her to do all this. It was cruel.

"Does she know how you feel?"

The question sounded bare, yet fair enough. Within a few seconds, Maura remembered the first night she and Jane had spent together; the abandon and the urge the honey blonde had put in it.

She had not pretended, at no moment. Everything had always been cleared. Even if untold, her feelings had kept on showing all along.

"Yes... I should be happy. After all, I got to cross the lines and I can hold her in my arms but... I regret it. I regret the troubles I am causing – to her, to her family in an extent – and I know that it will never be the same, now... Don't tell me she needs time. I know she does. I know the courage it takes to... Accept a few things. But what if she has doubts? What if she has no feelings whatsoever and it's all in my head? Or worse... I'm just afraid that she will renounce because it isn't worth it in the end."


	13. On Brattle Street

_**Author's note: sorry for the broken hearts due to the previous chapter, hopefully this one will warm them back (and thank you again for the reviews).**_

_**...**_

**Chapter thirteen:**

**On Brattle Street **

**December, 21st **

"You're sure you know what you're doing?"

The slight lack of confidence in Jane's voice made Maura smile. Nodding, the honey blonde settled on her seat and motioned at the snowy path in front of them; down the hill.

"I won't throw ourselves right on a fir tree. I have been maneuvering this exact sleigh model since I am six or seven. Just because it looks antique doesn't mean that it isn't safe, Jane."

The brunette snorted but didn't add anything. Clutched to Maura's waist – sat in her back – she rolled her eyes and squeezed her legs tighter against the scientist's sides.

When she had received a message – rather early in the morning – telling her to put on a snow suit before heading to Harvard Square for a day outside, she hadn't assumed that the blonde would have been waiting for her with a wooden sleigh in hand. A bright smile lighting up Maura's features.

With a barely contained excitement, the medical examiner had dragged Jane on top of a small hill of Cambridge Common Park where a dozen of students were enjoying sleigh rides under a glorious sun. The detective would have never imagined that Maura enjoyed spending her days off in the snow but – if she had to be honest - it had turned into quite a pleasant surprise.

Until now.

Without any warning, the blonde pushed on her hands and soon enough the landscape sped up around them; embraced the singular sound of wood sliding on snow, caressed by the wind that made their hair fly around. For a few seconds – chin resting on Maura's shoulder – Jane observed the world going fast in silence. The lightness that seemed to emanate from it. She needed this feeling more than anything right now.

It came up suddenly, unexpectedly. She didn't think about it. As if out of automatism – because it was what she felt the urge to do – Jane turned her head around and planted a soft kiss on Maura's neck; just above her cashmere scarf were a few inches of skin appeared to the bright light.

While she had been focused on the ride all along, the quiet contact made the scientist jump of surprise and before she had a chance to realize what she was doing, her right hand pulled abruptly on the brake. The sleigh turned – changing of direction – but the speed combined to the weight of its passengers got the best of its balance.

In perfect symmetry, Jane and Maura landed loudly in the snow; puffs of white flying around them.

"Why shit, Maur! I thought you knew how to drive that thing!"

But the only sound that passed the scientist's lips turned out to be a loud burst out laughter that echoed around in the immensity of the park.

With difficulty – wrapped up in a thousand layers of clothes – the blonde rolled on her side and shook her head at Jane. Her cheeks were pink, snow glimmering in her hair.

"I wasn't expecting such a move from your part."

The lightness with which she said so hit the air before reality captured it and seriousness set back in as she cleared her voice, looked down. She hadn't used the word "kiss" but both knew she had alluded to it if only implicitly. Except they weren't supposed to. At no moment did they talk out loud about their _closeness _as Maura defined it herself in her head. It was more a sort of "don't ask, don't tell".

For a few seconds, Jane remained quiet, still; as if pondering the words and their rightness. But as she stood up, a smile embraced her features and she tended a hand to help Maura to get back on her feet.

"Let me show you how a sleigh ride is supposed to go, Dr. Isles."

…

Everything was different with Jane. The relation was more intense, more uncertain. If Maura had never doubted of the fragility of existence, it seemed even more obvious now.

The mere word – the mere gesture – could make them take a step backwards and ruin within a second all the efforts they were putting in trying to enjoy the time being.

She didn't dare to make a move and for once, the honey blonde let her partner dictate her desires. Sure at some point she ended up leading the whole thing but never before being certain that Jane was ready for it, that she did want it.

Thus, the scientist couldn't help smiling as she felt the brunette's fingertips brush her hand on the table of the Algiers Coffee House where they had stopped for a hot drink after a couple of hours in the park. The place was rather quiet – upstairs the Algiers Theatre – and if she looked down by the window, the honey blonde could see a few passers-by, mostly students, walk down Brattle Street; books in hand, on their way to their Harvard lectures.

Smiling shyly at the tender gesture, Maura looked up at Jane and focused on the conversation they were having.

"I can't believe you never owned a sleigh."

The detective shrugged - passed a hand through her hair - and was about to reply when her phone rang, putting an abrupt end to their day. She was on call and it didn't take both women long to know Boston was requiring Jane back as soon as possible.

Would it always be like that? Would there always be something – or someone – preventing them from having the right to spend a regular amount of time together? Would it always be unsure, precarious?

As the metro took them away from Harvard Square, Maura lost herself in wonders; staring blankly in front of her, a hand clutched to the pole. None of them had talked since the call Jane had got. Quietly, they had paid and left. Walked back to the metro station and swallowed their disappointment. Why did it always have to come to an end?

If it was a sign of some sort, Maura hated it more than anything in the world.

Park Street. In a ghostly way, both women stepped out of the train and took the escalators. Jane had a connection there if she wanted to stop by her apartment to change first when Maura had simply a couple of streets to walk up before making in on Beacon Hill.

The Green Line signs appeared in front of them and restraining a sigh, the medical examiner stopped among the crowd.

"I am on call tonight so... Maybe I will see you around."

Hands in the pockets of her coat, Jane nodded; looked around. She didn't seem fine, even less happy. A dark flame had embraced her eyes, her features had deepened. She looked sorry and if Maura had not assumed that it was a trick of her own brain, she would have said that the brunette was on the verge of bursting into tears.

"I... Err..."

Jane didn't finish her sentence. Anyway, she wouldn't have known what to say. The words were dancing in her head yet making absolutely no sense. Making a move seemed to own more logic.

Not thinking at all, just in case she would regret it. Her hand slid on Maura's nape – bringing her closer – and among a crowd of strangers, her lips found the blonde's in a urging kiss.

The scientist gasped but her breath came to die in Jane's mouth. She smiled at the boldness – the unexpected one – of the gesture and relaxed as she felt the detective's arms around her neck.

Letting go of the sleigh against her leg, she grabbed Jane's coat in an attempt to mold her body against the brunette's before her hands to travel up her friend's sides until they found her neck in an echo of the move Jane had made in the first place.

It probably lasted ten seconds – nothing more – but during all this time, Maura felt safe and proud. Not caring much about the rest, all these people who could see them. What it meant in the end.

Jane broke apart and a tad uncertain – babbling incomprehensible words – she smiled before turning around, heading to the Green Line platform.

And during all this time, Maura remained still among the crowd; her eyes fixed on the corridor Jane had taken, the softness of their kiss going dizzily to her head.


	14. On Smith Street

_**Author's note: thanks again for all the reviews, I guess a sweet chapter was needed the other time around!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter fourteen:**

**On Smith Street **

**December, 22nd **

With care and professional meticulousness, Maura ran her fingers over Jane's hand; pressing here and there to make sure that the bone hadn't been touched. Korsak and Frost were still at the counter in full talk with a new bartender. Beer in hand. A thin line appeared on the medical examiner's forehead. She sighed, bit her lower lip.

"I still think you should get an x-ray. Just because you can move your fingers doesn't mean that it isn't broken."

As expected, Jane snorted – swept away the advice with a gesture of her valid hand – and took a sip of her beer. She wished the bruise had been less large. Thus, Maura wouldn't have felt the urge to play the physician card and their conversation would have taken another turn, now.

"I can't believe you missed the punch ball at the gym. What were you thinking about?"

The honey blonde laughed, shook her head in this singular way that only belonged to her and that Jane had learned to love throughout the years. Quietly, secretly. Except this time, she felt guilty and went to hide the redness of her cheeks behind her beer. It hadn't happened at the gym but at her place and it had not been an accident at all. Just her frustration getting out of control, released in a fist against the wall.

Too much was going on.

"Good thing it isn't your left hand, though."

The mischievous gaze Jane found herself looking into let her understand that the scientist wasn't at all mentioning any daily – public – activity but the ones that remained untold; behind the closed doors of their respective bedrooms at night. The comment made her giggle. She wasn't uncomfortable – in spite of The Dirty Robber not being the right place for such a game – but she didn't own that sort of carefree attitude her friend had. Maura could talk about anything without blushing. Not her.

"Is it broken, Dr. Isles?"

Vince Korsak sat next to Maura as his colleague took the seat in front of him by Jane's side. It had been a while since the four of them had enjoyed a night out together after work and truth to be told, it could not come at a better time. The murder at the museum hadn't been solved yet and they were running out of time. Soon enough, it would cease to be a priority because other cases had landed on their desks for a treatment all hoped would turn to be more effective.

"Without an x-ray, I can hardly say."

Her hazel eyes stopped on Jane. The brunette had sat in front of her, in the opposite booth. Because of the promiscuity, their knees kept on brushing each other. A silent game of some sort.

_I have seen her naked. I have kissed every single inch of her skin, caressed her curves as if my life did depend on it. I have felt her shiver against my touch; her breath sliding along my neck. I have seen her vulnerability, the one she doesn't want to show in public. We have reached a degree of intimacy that most of lovers will never get to know. _

_There is something different. A blurry link that goes beyond it all._

And nobody knew anything.

As they stepped out of the pub a couple of hours later in the midst of a cold night of December, Korsak and Frost headed to their respective cars and left them behind after saying goodnight. Alone on Smith Street.

"How about a last drink at my place?"

The snow was shining on the sidewalks – transforming the asphalt on a thousand diamonds. Hands in the pockets of her winter coat, Maura nodded at Jane's offer. They hadn't spent a night together for the last two days and they both knew that they wouldn't go to Back Bay for any drink whatsoever. It was just pure conventionalism.

Alone in her Prius, the honey blonde followed the detective's car – parked in the street – and without a word joined the brunette up to her apartment. She knew it by heart, its smell had turned familiar and warm. In the pale light of a kitchen lamp, Maura took her coat off; got rid of her boots.

And within a second she found back Jane's lips in a urging kiss.

It was always the same frenzy. As soon as they made contact, something seemed to emanate from their soul producing an odd staccato in their gestures; a urge they had to succumb to if they wanted to keep on breathing.

The clothes fell on the floor in silence in an echo of their sighs; the sound of their kisses on a burning flesh that was asking for nothing but to be pleased, and caressed. The smoothness of the mattress welcomed their intertwined bodies as the rustle of the sheet stifled the moans that came to die in their throats.

They never talked by then. Never said a word, barely looked at each other. It was a game of senses, the odd labyrinth of caresses and kisses upon which floated the uncertainty of the whole thing.

What they were doing was wrong yet they desperately needed it.

Soon, Jane passed on top of Maura – the warmth of her body inviting against the blonde's naked skin – and she began to trace a path of kisses. Down her jaw, her neck. The paleness of her shoulder blades. And then she stopped. Suddenly. For long seconds, the scientist didn't dare to move nor say the mere thing. Uncertain, she kept on looking at the ceiling in the dark as her partner's short breath crashed on her flesh in the crook her neck.

One. Two. Three.

She would have recognized it no matter what; no matter where. The hot – scarce – liquid of a tear on her skin. She swallowed hard and tried to ignore the panic that was spreading in her mind as Jane kept on holding her tight.

"Are you alright?"

The question was utterly ridiculous and Maura bit her lower lip to prevent herself from rolling her eyes at her own stupidity. With care and fear, she grabbed the brunette by the chin; forcing her to look at her properly. Jane's dark eyes were glimmering, quiet tears running down her cheeks in the darkness of the night.

"I'm sorry..."

The whisper floated above them – the detective's hoarse voice remaining around – even long after her sobs had calmed down and the world fell silent again. It wasn't vulnerability but pain, plain and tough. Burning insidiously inside of Jane without her having a chance to properly let go of it.

Maura rocked her to sleep, holding her so tight against her own body that – perhaps, if miracles finally existed – the brunette would pass underneath her skin and they would become a single entity.

Just as they should be.

And there wouldn't be cries, anymore. Doubts would fly away and everything would be simple. No lies nor secrets ever held. No pain, no guilt.


	15. On Boylston Street

_**Author's note: thank you all for the reviews!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter fifteen:**

**On Boylston Street **

**December, 23rd**

As soon as she had entered her office in the morning – carried away by the sweetness of the breakfast she had had at Jane's a few hours earlier – she had been thinking about nothing else and now that odd curiosity had melted into a urge she couldn't restrain.

It didn't take her long to find the Facebook profile and in the anonymity of her office – behind a door left open ajar – Maura went through Sophia and Grace's pictures. First their wedding. A succession of whiteness and smiles; cakes and golden rings. Then exotic landscapes. Thailand, Ethiopia. The visit to a village school with a dozen local children happily clutched to their arms. A change of haircut marking the passing of time and children appeared. Newborns in a crib at the hospital. Classic shots of family pride and life going on.

Life. Normality.

At some point, it had been part of the honey blonde's main dreams but another kind of reality had settled down and – little by little, almost incidentally – she had let go of them all before losing herself in that time being that seemed so complicated.

She had wanted children. She had wanted to get married. To a man, a woman. That part had never been clear. As much as she had tried to analyze it, her romantic life had always remained blurry. And before such uncertainty, she had decided to stick to flings; one-night stands that didn't mean much at all. She would have stayed on this path if she hadn't met Jane. But there they were, now.

The detective had made her existence tip over unexpectedly.

Would she ever have this kind of Facebook profile herself? Would Jane and her build this kind of life – children and marriage, travels – as a series of snapshots would seal their smiles for the eternity? Biting her thumb, Maura shook her head. They were made for the darkness, the secrecy of affairs. Doubts and bitterness.

Addicting feelings.

"Dr. Isles?"

The voice made her jump of surprise. Her heart beating suddenly fast, Maura hurried to hide – in vain – her laptop screen and trying to ignore the burning heat that had rushed up her cheeks, she smiled at the man standing in front of her desk; swallowed hard.

"What can I do for you, Senior Criminalist Johnson?"

This is only when she noticed a few other colleagues waiting impatiently by the door of her office yet pretending to be in full talk about something. It reminded her of high school, of a few cruel games which she had been the target to make a few others laugh out loud. Memories she wished she could forget.

"I know there is nothing in the policies so I was wondering... Err... There is this nice French restaurant on Boylston Street, _L'Espalier_. You must know it... You are relatively quiet over your personal life so I hope this isn't offending but would you accept to share a dinner there with me some day?"

For long seconds, Maura stared in silence at her colleague. Thomas had been working at the morgue for quite a while already yet she had never assumed that he could be interested in her. As a matter of fact, it didn't matter. Focused on Jane, she had put anyone else aside; on a second plan. Locked in a bubble, she hadn't seen anything coming and it was hitting her like a ton of bricks now.

Restraining the urge to tell him that she knew _L'Espalier_ quite well and that Jane had taken her there for her last birthday as well, Maura took a breath; searched desperately for a way to turn down that poor – nervous – man standing in front of her on his feet.

"This is really nice of you and I appreciate the offer, Thomas..."

The criminalist made a face, swept away with a defeated gesture of the hand the rest of Maura's words. She had never been good at such a game, especially when she wasn't prepared.

"There is a _but_, right? Are you seeing someone? If so, I am deeply sorry. I didn't know."

Was she? Images of her in bed with Jane rushed to her mind, setting of a wave of butterflies there in her lower stomach. Her memories weren't even that intimate – that sexy – but the mere idea of being in the brunette's arms under a warm blanket were enough to make her feel dizzy.

"I might be seeing someone, indeed."

…

"Thomas Johnson? Six foot two, dark hair and green eyes? That Thomas Johnson?"

As the awkwardness of the morning was slowly coming back to her mind, Maura nodded at Jane and settled on the detective's bare shoulder; passed an arm over her friend's stomach. She had come back home only to pick up a few clothes then had rushed back to the Back Bay apartment to spend the night there in Jane's arms. Under the warm blanket of the bed.

Her foot caressed playfully her partner's.

"What is he, twenty-five? Isn't that a big young for you, Maur'?

The scientist lightly snapped the brunette's arm as a mock of feigned offense embraced her features. If the rumor hadn't reached the homicide unit floor, Maura would have never mentioned it to anyone but Jane hadn't resisted once the frenzy of their sexual desire had finally calmed down; their breaths a tad more regular again.

"He is a very polite person, very nice. I never had any reproach to make about his work at..."

Jane burst out laughing. Immediately – quietly enough – it set of a whole series of chemical reactions in Maura's body from her heartbeats speeding up to a warm feeling spreading in her lower stomach. It was the first time such lightness floated above their heads while in bed. The guilty silence that usually wrapped them up was nowhere to be seen and it was so fine; so relaxing.

"There's a guy who asked you up and the first thing you think about is related to his job or the way his parents got to raise him?"

The brunette snorted and swallowed back another laughter before rolling on her side to cuddle properly in the medical examiner's arms. Her dark eyes locked with Maura's hazel ones.

"Do you find him attractive?"

It could have been a random question – out of curiosity or still playing along the game – except Jane's tone of voice betrayed her feelings, highlighting a sudden uncertainty. A pale smile played on her lips, in an echo of a nervous giggle. Maura didn't miss it.

"He is well-proportioned."

Jane frowned – rolled her eyes – and was about to make a comment when the scientist's index finger on her lips suspended her action. Maura smiled, timidly enough.

"But he's not you."

Passing a leg between Jane's and propping herself up on her elbows to be on top of the brunette, Maura bent over. Brushed her lips against her partner's in a sincere whisper.

"He's not you..."

Thomas Johnson might have been attractive – polite – and professionally efficient, he would never be Jane and that was the end of the story.

As their kiss deepened and Maura molded her body against her friend's, she drew a line under all the rest. There wouldn't be anyone else. Never. Even if her feelings for Jane had to remain behind closed doors and the boldest display of affection in public turned out to be a hand furtively brushing another.


	16. On Joy Street

_**Author's note: thank you again for all the reviews and the new readers who are coming over here!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter sixteen:**

**On Joy Street **

**December, 24th **

In spite of the shower she had just taken, Maura still could feel Jane's lips on her skin; her hands on her hips as she had arched her back under burning kisses. The blonde swallowed hard – pushed away such lustful thoughts – and focused on her reflection in the mirror of her closet. What was one supposed to wear at church? On Christmas Eve, besides.

If it hadn't been for Myriam, the scientist would not have bothered much and she would have spent the rest of the night in bed enjoying the presence of her friend by her side.

Uncertain of her clothing choice, she nonetheless stepped out of the room – turned the lights off – and took the stairs down to the living-room. For the first time in years, Jane and her had taken their day off on December, 24th. A last-minute decision mostly driven by their sudden change of relation. Anything could happen in Boston, they didn't care much. There would be no cell phone ringing, no crime scene. Just a peaceful evening before the family meal on the next day.

With a delicate quietness, Maura put her boots on; repeated the gesture with her coat, her scarf. It was snowing hard outside and even if King's Chapel was at a close walking distance from her townhouse, the wind would be icy in the night.

"Jane?"

It is only when she found herself huddled under layers of warm clothes that she realized the brunette was not sat on the couch as she had thought in the first place. Frowning, she made a few steps in and stopped as she noticed the detective by the kitchen island. Her laptop was on, she was talking to Casey.

Maura froze, just like that. Her smile disappeared as her heart turned cold. It wasn't angst but a stupid disappointment she couldn't restrain. She didn't want to witness such a scene. She didn't want this.

"I miss you too..."

This time, she didn't leave quietly. Unlike the morning she had awoken in Jane's bed after the first time they had slept together, the medical examiner didn't care much about the consequences and with a loud slam of the door, she hurried down the street. Her breath short, the cold air burning her lungs.

It wasn't fair. Not on that evening, never if she had to be honest. She hadn't done anything wrong, why did she have to suffer? No one chooses to fall in love, it just happens. Why did the world have to be so cruel when all she was asking for was an ounce of happiness and – maybe – the tiny right to see a few of her wishes granted?

"Maura!"

Jane's voice resounded loud in the quiet street, her hoarse tone embraced by what seemed to be a veil of latent panic. But the honey blonde didn't stop, didn't turn around. Instead, she kept on walking with her chin up in defiance; ignoring the tears that were now running down her cheeks. She turned on her right and headed down Joy Street. A few passers-by were going the same way, towards Boston Common.

"Maura, wait!"

At the call of her name – shouted out loud – a few people turned around and looked at her as Jane's hand grabbed her wrist to stop her. She pulled away, kept on walking.

"Leave me alone."

As much as the words passed her lips in a whisper, the order resulted sharp enough to take Jane aback but the detective's stubbornness was such that the second grip on Maura's wrist turned out to be tighter and the scientist had no choice but to stop. Avoiding those dark eyes she knew were on her, the blonde swallowed hard and looked down at the ground.

"It is almost midnight. I don't want to arrive late at church."

Jane barely restrained a laugh but as Maura finally stared at her with a frosty look, she didn't dare to go and make a snappy remark about the blonde's sudden interest in religion. The tears that had reddened the scientist's cheeks didn't help much either. On the contrary. Something began to hurt in the detective's throat – preventing her from breathing properly. That's when she realized that she was shaking.

"He... He called me to wish me a merry Christmas. It wasn't planned. I... Gosh, I couldn't turn him down. I can't do that just... Like that. It's... Maura...I..."

There she was finally. Her back to the wall of the dead-end path she had rushed in – eyes closed – a few weeks earlier. Passing a hand through her dark curls, Jane swallowed back her tears but suddenly felt immensely alone. The burning pain that had invaded her a couple of nights before when she had burst into cries in Maura's arms was coming back. Harshly, strongly. It made her feel dizzy.

"I don't know what to do... I don't know what to tell him. I... It's..."

They hadn't talked about Jane's meltdown. Maura had simply rocked her to sleep and the morning after they had one more time pretended that nothing had happened. Perhaps it was where the problem laid in the end. For pretending over and over - pushing aside a reality they didn't know what to do with - it was all coming back to them with a harshness they didn't know how to deal with.

Maura closed her eyes, frowned.

"I know it is hard for you too, and that the situation with him isn't easy... I understand that, I really do. But I can't go on without... Being sure. I am sorry, Jane. I can't do this anymore. One day it seems like nothing matters but us and the very next one, it is like nothing exists; nothing _is_. I... You are hurting me... And all these things you don't want me to say... I have to, though. I need to. They are killing me..."

The church bells rang in the background, somewhere down the street; in the dark. Midnight. Christmas had come and while it was supposed to be a cheerful moment – made of smiles, hugs and lovely thoughts – Maura was standing there in tears on a sidewalk; facing a woman as pale as the moonlight, torn and in pain. This was not how it was supposed to go.

Nobody cried on Christmas. Nobody felt alone.

Shrugging away her acceptance – her resignation – Maura plunged her hands in the pockets of her coat and bit her lower lip before looking up at Jane who was still crying. She shook her head.

"I love you... I am in love with you... I can't help it. And I am tired of not saying it. I love you."

If it had been a movie scene, her face would have shone as if to reflect the beauty of her confession. Except this wasn't a movie. It wasn't a fiction. And all her words had highlighted was how sorry she was of her feelings.

The abrupt contact took her aback, made her lose her balance. And if it weren't for Jane's arm on her lower back, she would have fallen on the asphalt. But instead, the warm lips of the brunette enveloped her whole body; passed underneath skin to give life to a thousand feelings. The kiss was urging – soft – and owned the taste of tears. Of a desperate need.

Jane never really broke apart. Lost in her cries – mixed with Maura's – her hands cupped the scientist's face as their foreheads met. Her dark eyes closed, she rested there against the blonde's lips and let the words slide along them.

"I love you, Maur'... It's always been you..."


	17. On Louisburg Square

_**Author's note: thank you all for the reviews, it's always a pleasure to read them.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter seventeen:**

**On Louisburg Square**

**December, 25th **

"Will you stop staring at me?"

Hand in the flour, Angela replied to her daughter's slight complain by a smile; a timid one. When she had stepped into the kitchen an hour earlier, she had only found Maura there. Jane was upstairs getting ready, taking a shower. And then she had showed up. All smiles. These emerald earrings she had worn quite often lately without saying from where she had got them glimmering in the pale light of the day.

The brunette had always been secretive, even with her mother. They spent a lot of time together now the matriarch lived in the scientist's guesthouse but they weren't confidantes. Jane didn't like talking about her private life with anyone. Anyone but Maura.

Maura. It always came back to her, in the end. Everybody knew that.

"Fine but you will put back on this black dress of yours that you had been wearing until now once you return from your sleigh ride, right? It suits you so well... I know Casey isn't here but you can be pretty for the rest of us too."

The mention of his name darkened for a few seconds Jane's features but soon enough, she shrugged it away and shook her head while plunging a finger in homemade whipped cream before bringing it to her mouth.

"I don't need Casey to be around."

With a motion of the head, she pointed out at the little group standing by the Christmas tree and let her eyes focus on one person there. The only one who made sense in her upside down existence so far.

"I have Maura."

It wasn't the first time the detective came up with such comment except something had changed, here; some sort of tiny detail – in her voice, her gaze – that Angela didn't miss as she herself looked at the honey blonde holding TJ, chatting enthusiastically with Lydia and Tommy. Something flickered in the matriarch's eyes. For long seconds. Her gaze found her daughter's but she didn't insist and addressed everyone loudly instead.

"So you are all going to Louisburg Square for that sleigh ride while I stay here all alone to prepare the meal? Way to celebrate Christmas, really!"

While Tommy barely paid attention to the explicit complain, Jane rolled her eyes at her mother and let a loud sigh pass her lips. Angela had everything under control – as usual – and truth to be told, it was better that way around. She didn't like it when any of her children stepped into the kitchen while she was in the middle of cooking.

"Oh, I will stay with you, Angela. It is fine. Anyway, I am not wearing proper clothes to go out in this weather and the last time Jane and I rode a sleigh... Well, it didn't turn out to be very successful."

At least when the brunette had planted that stolen kiss in her neck and she had pulled on the brake way too abruptly, sending them both out of the sleigh; in the snow. But Maura skipped that part and nodded in silence at her partner.

Her lover.

The thought made her blush and without adding a word, she hid her reaction behind long honey curls; grabbed an apron.

Jane hadn't broken up with Casey yet but something had happened the night before in the street and it was different now.

It had been different once they had headed to church; once they had awoken against each other in bed. Everything was different. The nocturnal confession had marked a second turn.

"But Maur'! I can't launch the present you got me for Christmas without you. That's not how it works."

The honey blond squinted her eyes at Jane before quietly motioning at Angela who had focused back on the gnocchi family recipe. Nobody insisted and five minutes later, the door got slammed; plunging the house in a heavy silence.

"You could have gone with her, Maura. It was okay... It is a nice sleigh you got her."

Wooden, with Jane's name carved on it. Antique, just like hers. She had kept many memories from their day on Harvard Square; not just the bold kiss they had shared in the corridors of the metro but all these details Jane had shared. Starting with the fact that she had never owned a sleigh herself.

Maura could have offered her anything but it had caught her attention and she hadn't regretted it as the brunette's eyes had widened – excitingly – when she had unwrapped her present in the morning. They hadn't waited for the others. After all, Frankie was working and Angela hadn't planned on showing up before 10.30am. They could have stayed in bed though but they had found sweet enough to have their own moment before everyone to burst in.

"And it is a beautiful necklace that Jane got you."

Instinctively, Maura brought a hand to her neck and passed her fingers over the silver letters forming a unique symbol. A wave of heat rushed up her cheeks.

"But what does it mean? It is Irish, isn't it?"

And one of the reasons why Jane had insisted on them opening up their Christmas presents without anyone else around. She had found it at one of Maura's favorite antique shops on Beacon Hill; a thin, silver necklace which letters combined to each other seemed to form a delicate Celtic symbol of some sort.

"It... It means that the person who offered it to me cares a lot about me."

It wasn't the literal – closest – translation but Maura simply couldn't say it. There were some things that would need time and certainty over the way to bring it all perfectly.

_You belong in my heart for the eternity_

Jane might have finally told her about her feelings the night before in the middle of the street, Maura would never forget the moment her eyes had stopped on the jewel and she had read the message there. It was a quiet declaration - subtle and delicate - that proved she didn't need blatant words in the end.

The most powerful feelings could be said in silence, sincerely.

Angela stopped – the same way she had done when Jane had announced that she didn't need Casey for having Maura by her side – and stared at the scientist for a long while. An identical light flickered in her eyes, melting soon into a timid – comprehensive – smile. And without any warning, the matriarch took the honey blonde in her arms. Warmly.

The gesture almost implicit.

"I am proud to say that you are part of my family, Maura. I hope you know this."

Long after everyone would have left and she would find herself in the peaceful silence of a deserved bath, the medical examiner would keep on wondering about Angela's reaction; her words, the way she had said them when they had been alone preparing the meal in the kitchen.

Had Jane's mother guessed something? Yet she hadn't insisted, hadn't said anything about it.

Biting her lower lip in frustration, Maura rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. Absentmindedly she brushed the necklace that she hadn't taken off and let her fingers slide on every single letter. Jane had gone back to her place and the honey blonde already missed her. Deeply.


	18. Epilogue

**Chapter eighteen:**

**Epilogue**

**December, 24th – a year later**

"Merry Christmas to you as well, Susie."

Her smile melted in a sigh as she watched her assistant leave the autopsy room where she had spent the last two hours debating on the origins of a femur that had landed on one of the metallic tables at the end of the day.

Soundly, she took off her latex gloves and leaned her head backwards in a gesture of relief.

The floor was quiet but as Maura passed the doors of the anteroom and stepped in the corridor, an old tune came from the laboratory. Working on Christmas Eve had always been special, different from any other night. Dependent from a call that could happen at any moment, the celebrations owned a singular intensity that always won over their possible ephemeral character. The honey blonde had always liked it even if for once, she would have preferred to spend the night far from the BPD.

Focused on the reviewing of a few files while walking up to her office, she didn't notice at first that the lights of the room had been turned off. It is the smell of wax that made her look up and stop abruptly in her tracks.

A dozen of candles had been lit up on the coffee table, their flames glimmering in the dark; dancing on the walls around. Her curiosity piqued – an amused smile playing on her lips – the scientist made a step in and abandoned the files she had been holding until then on a console table by the door.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no, no... Damn that freaking timing! It isn't ready, I haven't finished. Ah shit!"

A well-known voice in her back made her turn around. Jane had come in – bottle of champagne in hand – while her BPD badge was hanging around her neck. Her breath was short and her cheeks pink. It did not take Maura a long time to understand that the detective had been running.

"Alcohol at work?"

A smirk embraced the honey blonde's lips as she went to sit on the floor by the coffee table and passed a finger over one of the candles; the flame close to her skin warming her up suddenly.

"Alcohol and... Sandwiches. Yeah, I know. Don't judge, please."

Grabbing the tray from under the table, Jane cast a sorry glance at the food lying on it. She might have cut the bread to make it look like _hors d'oeuvr, _the result wasn't just there.

"I'm sorry. This is the poorest attempt of... Ugh, never mind."

The brunette's utter disappointment tightened Maura's heart for a few seconds before curling her lips up into a smile. The scientist giggled – quietly enough – then rubbed Jane's back.

"It is the sweetest attention ever. And a delightful Christmas Eve... I don't need caviar to make it perfect. As long as you are by my side."

It had been a year, now. A year since they had finally let their respective hearts speak out loud. Against their expectations, things hadn't gone slowly from then on; on the contrary. Everything had sped up in an echo of the frenzy of their feelings. By January, Jane had broken up with Casey and before realizing it, she had moved in on Beacon Hill. Life was going on – with its ups and downs – but something had sweetened the whole scheme. Future looked clear, logical.

As intense as the time being.

The remark made Jane blush and smirking, she swept the words away with a gesture of the hand; rolled her eyes as Maura planted a warm kiss on her cheek.

"Let's just acknowledge how awesome I am... And how my life wouldn't make much sense if you were not there."

As if to accompany the evolution of her own sentence, Jane's light smile suddenly adopted a way more serious shade as a light of fear flickered in her eyes for a furtive second. Maura had learned to notice it – to soothe the insecurity that emanated from it – but past experiences were like scars on her partner's brain and they would never completely disappear; no matter what.

Life was too fragile, at times.

Softly enough, Maura let her fingers slide on her partner's cheek then bent over for a kiss. A full one – not so shy anymore – and brought Jane to her arms. As much as their relation was well known now at the BPD, they tended to keep a certain distance when working. Or at least usually. Tonight was not any kind of evening and the peaceful quietness of the medical examiner's office resulted intimate enough in the end; proper to something less formal.

To the urge of nourishing each other of a skin-to-skin contact.

Jane's giggle came to die in Maura's neck as she held her tight and brushed the honey blonde's skin with a stolen kiss before grabbing back the bottle of champagne to open it. The pop sound filled the room and made them jump slightly.

"I... I don't really have glasses either so please don't lecture me about the fact the bubbles won't like the plastic cups. Or just drink straight from the bottle."

The scientist accepted the cup – stared at the drink for a moment – and bit her lower lip as if debating on some thoughts. But for once, she didn't succumb to an endless path of wonders and just blurted it out.

"Would you marry me?"

Jane's joyful state of mind seemed to come to an halt as Maura's words resounded loud and began to make sense. Or so. There wasn't any ring, any studied declaration that would have led to the proposal. Instead, the blonde had let go of everything and let her feelings talk for her; out of the blue. If she had had a chance to witness the scene, Maura would have realized how taken aback by her own question she was herself.

"What?"

Jane's voice lost any kind of confidence as it hit the air in a shaking whisper. This wasn't something she had expected from that evening. As much as she had been thinking about it herself, she hadn't assumed that Maura would throw it so unprepared in the conversation.

It didn't look like her at all and yet there she was; shy, her eyes glimmering excitingly.

"Would you marry me?"

Something set off on the coffee table; not the usual ringing of a phone but an alarm of some sort. Both women looked at the electronic device. Jane grabbed it, barely hiding her shaking hand.

"It's... Err... It's midnight..."

The detective's affirmation sounded oddly like a question. She discarded her cell phone back on the table and looked down at her lap; not knowing what to say, what to add.

Christmas had come and if there weren't tears that year, something else still floated above in an odd silence.

"I'm sorry. Obviously it wasn't the best ti-..."

She should have never said that. Maura's hazel eyes cast a furtive glance at Jane before focusing on a point in the opposite direction. The brunette had gone through a lot within a year – getting to accept a few things that were never easy to face – and one more time, the scientist had rushed up into things. It took time and patience, she had to accept it.

Her sigh of discomfort died against Jane's lips as the detective suddenly bent over for a kiss. A long one that warmed up Maura's heart and brought silent tears to her eyes.

And the words, carried on by the brunette's hoarse voice; echoing on the scientist's lips, a delicate caress of some sort.

"Yes. Yes, I would."

_There are moments in life when one simply doesn't want to be alone. When the soul is urging for human contact, and love. Anything that would make us feel alive. Christmas Eve is one of them. For years I let midnight come and go, embraced by nothing but a quiet loneliness. A latent pain, perhaps. It didn't seem alright but I didn't own any other perspective by then. Jane changed that. She brought sense to my life. And warmth._

The End

_**Author's note: thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the reviews, they really light up my days and - from time to time - help me build the stories I am writing. Speakin of which, a brand new one will be posted tomorrow. I hope you will like it!**_


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